---

Well, after the very minimal amounts of drinks yesterday, I felt some after-effects this morning. That's rather pitiful, but expected.

Finally got myself up after listening to radio for two hours with my head buried in between the pillows and then headed down to town with Tim to get some shopping done.

Stopped off at Andrew's place to check up while he is away for the weekend and the went round to Tesco.

Walking through to the sandwiches for lunch and I saw it. Chocolate Spread and Banana sandwich, on cocoa-blended white bread. Obviously I had to buy one to find out what it was like. As well as the other shopping, I also picked up Ginger Ale, because I saw so much of it, and Dad used to get it at Christmas. Got to the checkout and was served by an omg!gorgeous girl.

Dear Tesco Checkout Girl,

I know I am probably somewhere around 9 years older than you, but you were freakin' gorgeous and had a great smile.

Thank you for making the shopping trip that much better.

You rock,

Random forgettable customer who had a chocolate sandwich

Then, as Tim went to Barclays, I went to the Costa in Waterstones. Now, I'm sure at this point my body was getting in to it in the internet chatroom that is my body. Allow me to recreate:

Id@Brain.com: Oooh, coffee. Like coffee. Want coffee. Coffee. Coffee. Coffee.
Super_Ego@Brain.com: Dude, no. You had alcohol yesterday. No coffee.
Id@Brain.com: Like coffee. Want coffee. Coffeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Super_Ego@Brain.com: No. Denied. Coffee, not yours.
Bladder@Pelvis.net: OMFG, srsly? I just got pwnd by last nite, u want more?!
Id@Brain.com: Coffeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Super_Ego@Brain.com: Blad, I know, he's such a n00b!
A$$hole@Pelvis.net: He better not try it, or I'll kick his me.
Id@Brain.com: kekeke, mad haxxor!!
-Global - Mouth@Face.com: A Large Latte and a Lemon and White Chocolate Muffin, please.
Id@Brain.com: Score! I'm in ur voice box, haxxoring ur words!*¹

On the plus side, Lemon Curd and chunks of White Chocolate in a Muffin. Yummy.

I've also eaten the sammich. It was and interesting experience as well as an indulgence, it was fairly sickly sweet but not to the point of having an eww factor.

---

Footnotes:
*¹ Now I have used this it can be taken that the cliché is not just overly outdated but that's its use is a grievous error by anyone.

I told Tim that I wanted chocolate but didn't want it, he suggested I just get a Milky Bar.

Me: I can't, if I get that then I'll just get more chocolate. It's Yoda Logic. Milky Bar to Dark Side.
Tim: Umm...
Me: Milky Bar leads to small White Chocolate KitKat, which leads to small normal kitkat, which leads to regular kitkat, which leads to Aero, which leads to Yorkie which leads to the Dark Side
Tim: ...
Me: You're wondering how? Yorkie leads to Raisin and Nut Yorkie which leads to Dairy Milk Fruit and Nut which leads to Dairy Milk which leads to Bournville. The Dark Side. The Dark Side of Chocolate...

Mmm, sacrilicious...

Chocolate crucifix 'takes the mickey' out of Jesus

A sculptor has sparked fury among Christians at an Easter arts exhibition with his collection of chocolate crucifixes. Experimental artist George Heslop displayed all 17 of his white, milk and dark chocolate sculptures, complete with Jesus' iconic corpse, at a gallery in Bradford on Avon, Wiltshire.

The 47-year-old even created a life-size chocolate model of the crucifixion as the centrepiece of his three-week display.

But Christians in the town have attacked the exhibition as blasphemous and now want the gallery to pull the plug on the show. Father Conrad Lowry, from St Thomas More Catholic church, said: "The exhibition is making fun out of Easter and that saddens me so much.

"In reality, the crucifixion was anything but fun.

"It was a ghastly, painful and bloody event in which Jesus Christ was nailed to a cross and suffered the ultimate humiliation.

"So this exhibition is making light of one of the saddest days of the year, one of the greatest tragedies, which is both blasphemous and entirely without feeling."

Mr Heslop, a professional artist for the past 14 years, began creating chocolate crucifixes as a result of his fascination with religious iconography. The models are made using a mixture of supermarket own-brand and organic chocolate to resemble the texture of wood, bronze and marble used in more traditional sculpture.

Seventeen pieces, which measure between 10 and 12 inches in height, have been on display at Bradford on Avon's Ale and Porter Arts Gallery since April 8.

Mr Heslop, a father-of-one, travelled to the gallery from his home in Newcastle and constructed a lifesize model of Jesus on the cross.

Christ's body was formed with chicken wire and covered in dark chocolate, and was then 'nailed' to a 6ft 6in by 4ft 5in wooden cross.

Mr Heslop, a Christian, believes the display 'spreads the message' to non-believers about Christ's death and subsequent resurrection.

He said: "I was brought-up in a Church of England family and attended Sunday School as a boy. It was at this early age that I deyeloped a fascination with religious iconography which I developed later in life.

"I started making crucifixes out of chocolate a while ago, because it is such a great medium to work with, it lends itself to sculpture incredibly well.

"So I decided to use chocolate to make about 17 new crucifixes for the Easter exhibition.

"Chocolate is rather unusual so I hope that news of the exhibition will spread the message about Christ and his life.

"It is, after all, no more unusual than buying Easter bunnies or eggs, which have little significance at this time of year."

But Fr Lowry believes the exhibition is taking the mickey out of one of the most important days in the Christian calendar.

He said: "The gallery says the exhibition is intended to spread the Easter message, but I'm really saddened by it all.

"Jesus Christ was such an extraordinary person who did so much for mankind and in the end they crucified him.

"So to see an effigy of him in chocolate is taking the mickey out of the whole thing."

Despite the controversy surrounding the exhibition, gallery owner Fiona Haser said: "I appreciate that the exhibition could be described by some as controversial, but I believe it is an interesting way of highlighting the Easter message."

(Source: Western Daily Press, 17 April 2006)

This leads me to the poll, if you are given a chocolate crucifixion scene at Easter, would you rather it was filled with something (like strawberry fondant), solid choc or hollow?

Poll #711624 Chocolate Christ filling...
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 1

If you are given a chocolate crucifixion scene at Easter, would you rather it was...

If Other Filling, what kind?

I'm going to try not to spoil the movie too much but really, if you haven't read the book, seen either of the movies or guessed the story by the adverts, then really I don't have much time to spoonfeed you. In fact, if you haven't read the book get your arse down to Barnes and Noble pick it up (and The Twits, George's Marvellous Medicine and Revolting Rhymes at least), because if you haven't read those as a kid, teen or adult then you've pretty much deprived your life. (It's like not having read Discworld, Good Omens or the Lewis Carroll Alice books)

I loved the 1970s Gene Wilder version of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory to the point where I almost religiously watch it when it's re-shown on tv. There's something captivating about the character and his pleasantness with an edge of evil, almost like temptation incarnate - because despite the musical interludes and humour, the film is a reflection on succumbing to temptation and it being your downfall. The Wilder version is a movie I've often quoted and has such memorable scenes. It's a true classic.

Having said that, when I first heard so long ago that Tim Burton had expressed an interest in making his own version I almost squeeled (hey, I can fangirl fanboy too), when I heard Depp would be Wonka I almost squeeled in a higher pitch, and having seen the film I could almost only be audible to dogs. Some people in the office have said this is a shoddy remake, these people I would like to pummel two-fold :

• firstly it is not a remake it is an alternative version in much the same way as Batman Begins was an alternative start than the Batman series as long as you were paying attention;
  
• secondly, it is handled in a different manner of conversion, in my opinion the Wilder version is based on while the Depp/Burton version is adapted from the novel, the difference is vast as there is a depth of feeling in the latest release rather than the uplifting feeling throughout the older.

Now, there was a lot I missed from the Wilder version. I loved the scene in school between the teacher and Charlie, as it had the sarcastic, superior attidude that can only be felt from some teachers :

Mr Turkentine : I've just decided to switch our Friday schedule to Monday, which means that the test we take each Friday on what we learned during the week will now take place on Monday before we've learned it. But since today is Tuesday, it doesn't matter in the slightest.
...and...
Mr Turkentine : Of course you don't know. You don't know because only I know. If you knew and I didn't know, then you'd be teaching me instead of me teaching you - and for a student to be teaching his teacher is presumptuous and rude. Do I make myself clear?

I also miss the 'boat song' as this really bought out the edge of the movie. There was a lot of feel-good fluff in the Wilder version, but it was damn likeable fluff. Wilder's Wonka ranged from an affable fellow to brooding to insane to apathetic (The rather resigned "No. Don't. Come back" to Mike Teevee). I also liked the test element of the Wilder version, "So shines a good deed in a weary world", as this gave a definite winning feel to Charlie.

However, in the latest version there is no hidden darkside to Wonka, mostly you are looking for a hidden lightside in a very borderline grey persona. That's grey as in shadowy, not dull.

Wonka is still very much a manic caricature, but he's not comfortable with people as the Wilder version was - which is understandable as he's been shut away from untrustworthy 'people' and in the company of Oompa Loompa's for so many years. Depp's Wonka shows that resentment, that uncomfortableness and even hints at having a punishing side when he seemingly relishes at the fate of people - the temptation side, though not as strong an emotive reaction as with Wilder - but delivered in a manner that still has the rich sense of scathing humour that makes Dahl books some absolute classics.

Granted, the voice made me want to scratch my ears out, but I'm sure that was the intention - imagine the bastard love child of Mickey Mouse, Michael Jackson, a blimp full of helium and just a hint of nitrous oxide. The Wilder version was a very forthright voice, soft in the right places and able to be aggressive, whereas Depp maintained that same voice with that same tone nearly throughout. The body language was a superb difference, Wilder portrayed Wonka as a proud, confident and self-assured individual who strode about and was quite oblivious to the craziness about him; Depp, as you can imagine from his roles as slightly uncomfortable characters in Edward Scissorhands, Benny and Joon and Sleepy Hollow, portrayed Wonka with an awkward 'gangle' to him, he moved fluidly as is given to someone of Wonka's literary character (in reading much like Jack Skellington from Nightmare Before Christmas could be perceived) but showed the uncomfortable and stand-offish nature given to a person not wholly enjoying his surroundings, the comical movements of ducking, sidling in and out of view and dissolving facial impressions were done in a way that set the edge but were also very humorous.

Humour is rather dark and often from the impression of violence or cruelty being inflicted upon children, though bratty children which is ok, or from the uncomfortableness. This doesn't really differ between versions, it's still got sarcasm and condescending manners, and Wonka's rather powerful reluctance to having his strange ways bought into normality.

I think in some ways I preferred the Oompa Loompa's from the original, if onle because I could hear the lyrics of their songs and they didn't look like they raped and pillaged Britney Spears wardrobe, however, the personality of the Oompa Loompa's was fitting in both instances to the factory and to Wonka, when Wilder's Wonka was seemingly benevolent and owned paradise then the Loompa's were joyous and singing righteously, however, with a broodier Depp's Wonka and a factory that was paradise contained they reflected back the darkness of people and their ways.

I missed some of the aspects of the Wilder Wonka factory, the cutesy fun little things that made Wonka a bit of the 'man with a child within' rather than the 'child who refused to be a man', but the changes we're appreciated for the sake of truism to the story, as I've said the boat song is a bit I've missed but seeing the cream rooms (especially whipped cream) was good. The elevator ride over rooms, with the candy floss and hospital wing being areas I laughed heartily at (especially the dialogue at the time), a very welcome edition to the experience. The nut room replacing the egg room was absolutely amazing and so cute - Tink, you need to cover your eyes from this scene and go with someone to say "it's over", if it comes to it I'd volunteer because you'd never fookin' sleep again - I'm really glad of that whole scene even if it was also one of my favourite scenes for the song by Veruca and the lines by Mr Salt in the Wilder version (Mr. Salt: Wonka, how much do you want for the golden goose? Willy Wonka: They're not for sale. Mr. Salt: Name your price. Willy Wonka: She can't have one. Veruca : Who says I can't? Mr. Salt: The man with the funny hat). I also found the whole 2001 : A Space Odyssey to be so greatly placed.

I actually have no preference for either version, I love them for different things. I am more likely to watch the Wilder version more frequently because it's that kind of movie, but I would enjoy the Depp version just as much. Both films have an edge to them, but it is the difference between a Bic safety disposable and a barbers cut-throat, both will cut you deep but one you have to get inside to do the real damage. Quotability goes to Wilder, mainly down to my most used movie quote "A little madness now and then is relished by the wisest men", but there is so much more "We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of the dreams", "What is this Wonka, some kind of funhouse?" - "Why? Are you having fun?", "The suspense is terrible... I hope it lasts", whereas the best lines in my opinion "Sorry, I was having a flashback..." - "Does that happen often?" - "...Increasingly… today", "Everything in this room is eat-able. In fact, I'm eat-able. But that, my dear children, is called cannibalism which is in fact frowned upon in most societies", "This is the puppet hospital and burns unit. It's relatively new." and quite a few more.

The world was truly blessed with wise men like Dahl, Wilder, Depp and Burton, who also knew just the bit of madness to relish.