---

Today was my last day working for the team. It was my last day working for the Fraud Investigation Service. It was my last day working for the Department.

I am, an ex- unCivil Servant.

I spent my last day in Bridgwater, which was really quite fitting given my previous posts on working and visiting there.

A buffet was provided, I kind of dreaded it, based on it both having recent health issues and the concept of locally produced catering. As I discussed with johnwordsworth:

Me: Chav and pickle sandwiches...
John: Mmmm, tasty
Me: there'll be crisps on a paper plate under clingfilm, I reckon
John: :P
Me: cheese and onion
John: Good stuff
Me: yeah, but it'll be 'own brand'
John: Lol
Me: sausage roll on a stick
Me: I'd reckon on cheesy wotsit, but that'll actually just be what the delivery person will be complaining about

I was much surprised at the range, including veggie drumsticks and tortilla wraps. Also, it's so rare for our team to get a paid buffet, and not have to bring our own buffets from home in an 'Indian Supper' style.

I got off the whole receive and give a speech thing, which was both good to avoid embarrassment but also anti-climatic. I'd even worked on it too.

Though, I at least got to fire off:

Manager: So, what will you miss most from working here.
Me: The people, definitely. I've worked with such...a diverse range of personalities.

Me: It's definitely been a fun and educational experience. I've had the pleasure and privileged to work with and learn from some of most dedicated, hard-working, professional and friendly colleagues anyone could wish for. It's unfortunate none of them could join us today. But I've also worked with most of you too.

I also got to see Gary after being stripped of his moustache. Now all he needs is his hair taken care of and he can move in to the future; the nineteenth century beckons!

I had cards, some really nice messages from the team and the folks I worked with in Bristol. I was quite flabbergasted when I opened the gift, a rather whopping gift card for Virgin. I shall have to take a trip to Bristol, and take a trolley to carry back the loot!

As a last mark, I am finishing off my Things I Learnt (I'm Not Allowed To Do) list from my time in the Department.

Following on from last week I spent the start of the week travelling to Bridgwater and doing 9 to 11+ hour days, finishing on the Wednesday. Overall I made something like 18 hours worth of flexi time credit in 8 days, and about £60 worth of expenses, which is a bit nuts.

I actually got the archiving of the files done, 23 boxes of files cleared and sent out, of which I did 17.

Specific events over the week?

Monday was the announcement of the opportunity to apply for a severance package, which I applied for in the hopes of being paid to leave.

Tuesday, being picked up at 7.15 by Jaqs who had 4 hours sleep. It was completely fogged up on the motorway and we bombed it without fog lights - because she couldn't find them - for most of the way, we overtook a two-trailer lorry on the junction to Bridgy at speed, and continued to bomb it, came to the main roundabout heading in, Jaqs never slowed and just whipped round without taking the corners. Bricking it? I was freaking LEGO! But, it was a laugh!

By Thursday I was back in Weston office. Yay!

But, to give an indication of Bridgwater, I'll give an anonymised dialogue:

Investigator 1 : I sent [manager] a very curt message about that one, asking if he'd authorise purchase of old clothes and a ferret...
Investigator 2 : A ferret?
Investigator 1 : For undercover. To blend in.
Investigator 1 : No, not a ferret, the other one? What's those animals pigeon fanciers have too...you know...
Me : You mean a whippet?
Investigator 1 : That's the one
Me : There's only a slight difference between the two...about a foot in length at least

I'd really like to see a ferret entered in a "Poor Man's Greyhound" race.

Monday

So, this morning I got picked up from home by Jaqs at 7.30, and woke up around 8.00 en route to Bridgwater to teach and use the archiving system.

I got to Bridgwater and as my colleague wasn't there, I wasn't sure if anything had been sent through, when Jaqs came to see me I asked if we had the barcodes anywhere, and she looked blank having not realised we need them - which she wouldn't be expected to know about, having not had the experience with the archiving system.

Suffice to say there are no barcodes in the office, and Jaqs speaks to a colleague in Yeovil who said she'll send barcodes through the courier, as ordering my own will take 4-5 days and I'm only meant to be there this week.

I look at my username which includes in it an office code. I consider that if I've got a new license for a second site, it'll be different between Yeovil and Bridgy. I ask my colleague in Yeovil her starting code, she gives me the Yeovil code. This causes some concern to me because if there's different codes, then the barcodes aren't transferable. I phone Meachers to find out about getting some barcodes, he points me to guidance that states it's business unit and location specific.

I log in to the system with new username and see that I have access to Gloucester, not Bridgy.

Helen gets in, tells me her username starts with a series, which matches the one I use for Bristol, which should actually cover all Fraud according to Meachers. The Glos one in fact allows me to order case papers from Gloucester, not submit fraud files.

I consider this, as Exeter is now where all Fraud accounts seems to be designated, this should make all files marked as same Business Unit and Location. I think that perhaps the Yeovil colleage has given me her ordering not submitting number. Maybe the barcodes will work. I phone the account setting up guy, he has no clue, he only designates accounts. I phone helpdesk who do not phone back.

I look at the 4 boxes provided for the multiple cabinets, and think about ordering more boxes, Jaqs points out cost implication and I decide I'm not sure if I care enough to be responsible for additional cost. I take a look again at the boxes and realise they are also actually the smaller size box and will fit a lot less files. I look at the order form and see it asks how many, I can't remember if this is individual boxes or sets and seeing as once I ordered 50 lever arch files and ended up with 50 boxes.

Gina tells me that it's only a few cabinets not 12, but they are spaced between investigators private cabinets.

Staff tell me their system for closing and storing, which doesn't match anywhere near Bristol, and I'm not sure if it matches Chippenham.

I still hear nothing back from helpline. I still don't have barcodes. I still don't know whether or not to order boxes, or which boxes to order. I still can't see how they use their system. The other admins still haven't requested archiving licenses.

That lasted until 11.30.

In the afternoon I was destroying files, and whereas this was one of the fun parts of the work in Bristol, this time I had to save the plastic wallets, paperclips and treasury tags. Dagnabbit.

Tuesday and beyond

A right bleedin' Nightmare now that I can actually get started!

There are files here with no dates anywhere in the file; files with everything loose; files with hand written sheets with no real information; files with items in them that just don't belong. Coupled with them being wedged tight in to drawers so you have to pull 5 to get 1, and staff here do not want change at all.

Nothing has been arranged for collection of the boxes either. I had to negotiatiate myself with the post room to take a few each day.

I miss Alun's style of management and Bristols level of ability - you know, the one, it's called 'being effective'!!

Even better, the grade up haven't got their licenses and don't want them, so it's up to me and Helen. There are no barcode readers. Nobody has actually decided how many months they want left in the cabinets, here they don't want to 'lose' any. Then they decide out of the blue, they don't want any left and they will have a rolling system - with no admin!

Barcodes are sorted, I plan to pillage boxes from stationery.

By the end of the week I've done 11 boxes out of 17 done, with about 6 or so remaining. That is when I find the three drawers of unsorted, pre-marked paperwork.

Midweek email snark

Rob sent an email about photocopier safety, my additions in blue.

Following the visit of [technicians] to this site, they have made the recommendation that staff do not leave photocopier lids/tops in the open position. After removing the original from the glass if you opt for that method, you should close the top again. This is due to the constant escape of copier elves who live inside photocopiers and sketch images of the original documents, in the wild copier elves are man-eaters and a scary 2mms of fangs, claws and copying crayons.

Remember also that thelid has a top feed that can be used instead of placing the original on the glass. Do not attempt to photocopy your tie in the document feed, even if it is an interesting design.

If the glass gets dirty, there is a small purple cloth kept in a small holde on the side of the photocopier. The small hole is for purple cloth storage only, do not attempt to poke the small hole with finger as this can cause serious injury to finger and refusal may offend.

In the event of finger injury, please use other fingers or call [building management] for replacement finger on a DSE Risk Assessment. If you require training on use of replacement finger, please consult any member of the public, as they will gladly give you a demonstration when you say your employer.

In the event you find this member of the public out of line, sort them out and staple them to the floor. Virtually all the photocopiers can staple documents and sort.

If you get stuck, please speak to a member of [contractor] staff who have received full training and have staple-removers to free you from the documents you are stuck to.

The [contractor] Tel No is ######. Fabulous prizes to be won by the 210th caller, calls cost 50p please ask parents or the bill payers permission before calling.

Fun

Apparently it is a week of being told we can't be told about things we will be told about when they can tell us next week. Welcome to the Civil Service, folks.

So, this week coming I'll be based in Bridgwater. Usually I'd post some sort of surrealistic view of a day in Bridgwater when I go up, but I'm not sure I'd have the spirit to attempt that, not forgetting that every time I go to Bridgwater I come home with a headache and I'm getting picked up at 07:30, somehow I don't think I'm going to want to post much.

Strangely, I was thinking last night how I could bring all my past Bridgwater posts together, and maybe merging with Squirpion lore. That's rather a scary notion to be having.

No Work
28 August (Mon)

Bank Holiday! Yay! Still feeling groggy though! Boo!

---

Of Work And Bridgwater
29 August (Tue)

I went to Bridgwater today, normally I'd write some snark about the town or it's inhabitants. I will not today, mainly because I had two managers in the same room and command in the room as me, who live in and work near Bridgy and managed to slip a Bridgwater snark in to the conversation whilst talking about the TomTom SatNav system and how they didn't have to worry about it being pinched, because it's confusing new development and they've only just achieved fire.

So, I give Bridgy some peace.

I got picked up at 07.30 and headed up to 'assist' in PowerPoint work and a meeting, and got back to Weston close to 17.00. I don't actually know if I've achieved anything today, but it was certainly a refreshing distraction.

Actually, hmm...Bridgwater snark=check, Promotion snark=check, manager snark=check, idiotic employees snark=check...actually, I'm close to calling 'Bingo' today.

---

Of Work, Sucking And Mismanagement
30 August (Wed)

Spent the day in Weston, doing some minor formatting work. It's quite good getting in early, but the afternoon sucks - I suppose if I started later the afternoon would still suck, but just a little bit later. Daylight Saving Suck, or something.

Today, well, I realised just the level of 'pissed off' I can get at management. Here I've been, in my 'surplus to requirements' world, from September 2005 when I got my first letter saying 'in the new organisation you'll be dog food' or something similar, despite everything unable to protect my future, then they start preparing everybody of higher grades for the job cuts and I say in early 2006 'but what about the lower grades?' and I'm ignored, then I'm given the proper letter of 'you are now dog food' in early 2006.

The higher grades get all their training, we retain the people who are able to pass the tests, despite a proportion still being fuckwits - they just happen to do better than others, doesn't mean they are better, and the lower grades who can't even compete are pretty much left searching for scraps on their own, ready to be left to freeze to death in the corporate cold. We retained some good people, but we didn't exactly replace much dead weight for fighting spirits.

Now, the managers have seemingly decided to pull their heads out their arses and say 'what ho, here's a good idea, hows about upskilling those lower grades'. Thanks a fuckin' bunch, why not try that a year ago, before you kicked them to the fuckin' curb? What the hell can they train us on, the policies we already have had to learn ourselves, the CV writing we've already completed, IT awareness I can freakin' teach our higher grades? What the hell can they do? Should we be expected to be grateful at their consideration?

Piss poor management, ineffective and inconsiderate. I'm sure the suggestion is really just a ploy to get us to riot so we can be sacked.

---

Of Work, Coffee And Hoes
01 September (Fri)

I've been starting work early all through this week, so that I can boost a little of my flexi credit but still leave early in the afternoon to get home. My cold has still not left, in fact it decided to get a second life, so I've be spluttery and snuffy all day, which is so not attractive.

For the second week I took a mid-morning break to grab a hot coffee from Costa, it's quite a nice treat for a Friday and something I actually got to look forward to. Mostly spent the day doing print runs, emailing and helping colleagues in the office with system queries - with less than average time of grey areas of nothingness.

The local radio station, STAR 107.7, played in the office seems to really focus on the '80s, which suits me fine. But for some reason the Sovereign Shopping Centre has a jingle set to a hoedown, unfortunately they don't offer an internet station to listen in on, but at some point I'll try and make a recording of the station and get the damn song.

Spent a real waste of a day in Bridgwater with Jaqs and Gary. I didn't really get much accomplished accept book a few venues and work out a way to save £300 on IT expenditure that was missed because barely anyone has an imaginative IT streak. Honestly, why pay for £60 external USB floppy drives when you can get a decent USB Pen for £20?

On the way back, Jaqs decided she needed to get the car washed, so we pulled into the wash in Bridgy. As we started she was talking about playing with the automatic windows when going though, and she started rolling down the windows and winding them up before we got near the water, then when we getting to the final rinse she rolled them down, the jets started up and the window wouldn't wind, regardless of how much she hammered. Eventually it closed, but not before I got a face, shirt and trouser spray.

The Helidays have started up for the weekend, with a great display over the beach, including some great displays that did actual loops. It's very tough to take pictures of aerial stunt displays.

Back in Bridgwater today. I had to start early to get up here for Jaqs laptop to rebuilt, only for her to find out the tech's wont be around. She's my ride, she's got work to do, I'm here for the duration.

Sat next to a second-floor window that overlooks the main road and the customer entrance, with a green, tree bit. Can overhear all the language and chavalogue going on from up here, looking out the window makes me nauseaus. Oh, Bridgwater, how I loathe you.

Pretty much finished filing the managers cack, which is a mission of futility, considering I don't know what any of it means and there's no existing structure to map across - I've resolved to file everything under B for Bollocks, Superfluous Managerial.

Went out for lunch and had to walk through Bridgwaters streets, ended up going to the Hungry Caterpillar for a baguette, usually they are really nice, but this one wasn't. Chicken and Bacon. The bacon was charred and greasy, which changed the colour of the mayo that was pustulently oozing over a slab of chicken to a rather sickening orange. Yummy, huh? It's usually exceptional though!

Still, only a few hours left, and have got myself Monday afternoon, all of Thursday and Friday, and all of the week commencing 26 June off on leave.

[Insert own surreal take on day. I can't be bothered, and doubt anyone will notice]




...what?





...Hey, now that is true...

So, up early and off to Bridgwater. Not much happened, except for a rock being through the window of the customer area and the police turning up.

Oh, and I got a collapsable plastic spork in my fruit salad from ASDA. It is my Spork of Justice, to smite my enemy...and scoop them up for convenience.

Up early for Cheltenham tomorrow.

It was quite interesting watching the galleon squeeze it's way up the river that runs through the centre of Bridgwater, it's sides becoming smeared with the sloppy mud that lined the banks, and it harboured in to the long disused concrete docks. Amongst the grey concrete and burgundy brick buildings, the wooden hull of the pirate ship Bald Adventure stood out brashly. I could see on it's deck that Captain Steve was looking out at the town with disdain, the same as any other visitor would.

The captain adjusted his tri-corner hat over his bald head and stroked his white goatee. He flipped up his eye patch, seemingly to get a better view and flipped it down immediately, it would take a lot more rum until he was ready for that I imagine. He beckoned for his crew to disembark from the ship, and then slid the ClawBar over the ships wheel and took the CD player from the helm.

It was slightly an uneasy alliance, those of the pirates and we who believe in the way of the ninja, but over time we had adapted to, and even adopted some of, the others way of life. We had some details in common, in our pursuits, but our methods and ideology are vastly different. We are more subtle, romantic and tasteful; they are brash, wenching and unrefined.

We bought them in to the hidden Chamber of the Dragon below the office. We strolled past the Neanderthalic slaves who were hunting something with tamed, but mangy looking dogs. We swiftly avoided the loose zombie-like claimants who had been 'relocated' for experimentation. I obviously avoided taking them past the 'hatching room' - which doubles for our kitchen - because sometimes you need to keep a hidden weapon in case. I think they may have overheard the odd snickt-ing noise, baa-ing or fireball, but I covered it by saying that we were testing "Orgasmic Welsh Vindaloo" on locals, a regional dish involving intimacy with an object of affection and red hot curry.

I think we may have gotten away with it all. The fish-smelling, peg-legged fools never suspected our plan, and now we know more of their trade secrets...





...what?




...Hey, now some of that could have been true...

It was, of course, another day in Bridgwater office today.

I had a meeting with all of Steve's - my Senior Exec (or manager's manager's manager) - command; with the exception of Si, Roger and Bob, the latter of whom I believe does not actually exist beyond rumours and the odd unsubstantiated sighting. I got to meet a few of the girls/ladies I hadn't met before too.

The meeting wasn't too interesting, but it's good to be in the loop given my position and future, or lack of.

Martyn left the office today, luckily I got back in time to say my goodbyes to him. It's a shame, because he's a great guy with a great deal of enthusiasm and professionalism, but he is moving upwards so good on him.

It was the whining that I couldn't stand. I was fine with the dogs' barking and yapping, and even the abuse from their handler, but the pitch of the whine sent such shivers that it felt like the human body could tear and rip from it's ordeal. The owner, or at least leader, of the dogs was a local, his face was a permanent twisted grin and he loved the fact that he was scaring us with the animals. I can say now he was definately a local, and from his facial features he was without a doubt his father's son; his sister's too.

We were crowded in the upper floor of the office, outside was surrounded by the mangy beasts, and they had already broken through to the customer area and torn apart furniture, equipment and our human shields of long term unemployed and sick. Unfortunately, their fifty odd quid a week didn't give them much meat on their bones, but on the balance I'm not sure how the economy would work if we added a Human Shield top-up to benefit on the off chance. Some of them fought back, but the dogs merely bit deeper and each evasive manoeuvre just let the teeth rip through.

There were many of us, but I had had enough, what good was it to stay in the conference room with limited water from the salvaged cooler and the rationing out of hob-nob biscuits, and besides what did I have to live for anyway. I chose to make a break for it - sharpened metal table leg in one hand and conference chair in the other. I actually got past the scout patrols with a few metal pokes and chair swipes, all was going well.

Then I got to the blood-soaked dobermans on the stairs...






...what?




...Ok, so only a little of the above is true...which in some ways is a shame...

The day has been crap, the weekend is free...but not exactly going to be fun.

Got up early, managing to drop an IM to an already awake Tink before heading off. Didn't get one back, but then I was 'away' almost straight after and what would have been the point?

Got picked up from the office by Jaqs and we took the back way through Huntspill and Highbridge to get to Bridgwater fairly early. It was bloody freezing

The meeting was long and packed with forgettable information, but giving some work until the end of the month - whereupon the trainers head out and I'm probably screwed for work again.

Slightly interrupted by the whining of a bloody large pitbull (close to Gozer's dogs in Ghostbusters but much worse special effects), it's chavly dressed owner tried throwing a stick, the chavmutt didn't respond, so the guy takes the black plastic bit from the bottom of a traffic cone and throws that for the dog.

Didn't get a lunch break, which means I don't get expenses. Also means I was fed up and tired.

Travelled back through Highbridge and Huntspill, and got back into Weston for 15:10. Did twenty minutes catch up on my emails and then left for the weekend.

Ehh.

It was terrible, the noise of crackling computers and the smell of burning. Most of Bridgwater office had become a wasteland that reflected the hell on earth that surrounds it for miles. The aura of protection and normality had broken when the gap between employed and Bridgy denizens faded, and there was our team stuck in the middle of it.

The barricade at the door was crumbling from the onslaught and the Yale lock had already been wrecked. Some of our colleagues had already fallen for the curse, but being non-natives to those strange lands the effect was much slower, instead of gibbering madness, incestuous lust or zombified ignorance, they were merely catatonic.

I was prepared, with the left over metal skewers from Jaqs homemade Chicken Satay's gripped between my fingers as claws and an unlit Molotov made from Jaqs 40+% proof sloe gin in my pocket. All it would take was for me to see a bit of their diseased flesh and I'd charge...






...what?




...Ok, I really regret that none of the above is true...yet again...


I had a phone call from Jaqs before I set off this morning suggesting she picks me up from home, instead of walking to the office to get my lift. Apparently, the offices were not exactly that joyous places in light of staff announcements. So, at 09:15, I got a lift from Jaqs to Bridgwater, where we had some fairly good news for some members of the team and I heard some fairly bad news about a lot of local staff, which is why I'm glad I'm not in again until Monday.

We had a brief 'what happens next' meeting, and consumed most of our buffet. Jaqs bought in fresh cheese pastries, sushi and chicken satays - all of which were very nice - and we had a dips fest going on too. Jaqs pulled out her 'special recipe' sloe gin, somewhere between 40-50% proof, and one sniff and I was breathing clearly all afternoon, I didn't risk tasting it.

Headed back early and Simon gave me credit for the rest of the day, so I could avoid any potentially awkward moments in the office.

Went back into town because I wanted some tupperware for left over nibbles, and just to restock. So, for Friday, I've got about 36 Extremely Chocolatey Swiss Rolls and 36 Chocolate and Orange Swiss Rolls from Marks and Spencers for people to try.

Today, I went to Bridgwater to work. It had snowed overnight and the whole of Weston was under a rich thick blanket after the clouds opened up and poured forth the flakes in number. Anyone else would have been perturbed to drive in this weather, but not Jaqs who took me from Weston - indeed, I think nothing could phase Jaqs on the road, except perhaps another Jaqs driving a car nearby.

But soon after we'd passed Huntspill we hit solid ice, the car spun and we hit a snowy ramp sending us soaring into the air and spinning. We hit the ground upside down and the car skidded through fields and hedgerow before stopping in some unused snowy field. The car soon blew and we were thrown from it's burning wreckage, wounded we huddled around it's shell for warmth, and hoped someone would see the smoke and come to our aid.

Within a short span of time the natural hunting instinct kicked in and I forged a rudimentary spear from a door fragment and length of steel, joined together with a cut out seatbelt. It wasn't long before I'd successfully hunted down polar bears and penguins, the former for sustenance and warm clothing, the latter for clothing in case of a formal dinner arrangement.

With the day drawing on, I formed us a small house of snow and gravel; in effect three storeys with integral garage for two cars and landscaped garden. Regrettably, it was only a scale model, but I had plans for completion by 2007.

Eventually we were picked up by helicopter rescue and taken to Bridgwater, dressed in our bear pelts and wielding our roughly made weapons. We were taken in straight away as tribal brothers, but when we bought them the magic of 'fire' and stories of 'wheels' we were elevated to the status of gods.

By the close of the office days I was swarmed with the nearest Bridgwater equivalent of virgins and sacrifices were being made in my name.





...what?




...Ok, I really regret that none of the above is true...again...

What really happened was it snowed last night in the South West, like the cats ejaculating over the hills and countryside like some giant meteorological/geographical bukkake video, but it was somewhat premature, as while Exeter and Taunton were hit full in the face, Weston merely got the last flick off residue. From Weston to Bridgwater there was barely even a trace of frost in the field, though apparently Garf who lives outside Taunton in the middle of nowhere was stuck at home because of the snow. I even got an excited txt from Tink bragging of her snow splatter.

The day was mainly data entry and the same numbers being repeated over and over for hours, I'm sure to the point where I'm going to dream of people chanting numbers at me. It's little wonder that I have a splitting headache.

Lunch was uneventful for me, as I made a trip to an empty Hungry Caterpillar and back. Jaqs, on the other hand, got to meet the natives in Bridgwater in the Post Office when a pair of Chav Girls, most notably one in a Playboy tracksuit with Nokia bling phone around her neck, tried to 'front her.

When Jaqs pointedly stared at the Chavette for complaining about how things were slow because of 'spastics' and 'old people' in the queue she asked "What the fuck are you looking at", to which Jaqs shot back "I don't quite know, with such vile language", to which she was insulted. On leaving Jaqs was threatened with "You better watch where you step around here", wrong thing for our Jaqs who shot back with a dogging out look and "If you think I'm frightened by fucking school children then you've got the wrong person". Welcome to Bridgwater.

Last night I got nailed, well, in fairness I've been getting nailed for the last few days and I'm regretting every event that led up to it. Damn nail.exe, Aurora and A Better Internet company. I truly dislike files that are adware that respawn when deleted, it's annoying - and I'm one of those bastards that checks licences for the 'third party' agreements. I wouldn't mind if it was a virus from a download, but nooo.

Today was trip to Taunton day. Woo-frickin'-hoo.

Tim came with me and we got an early train so that I could find my way when I arrived in Taunton, which actually turned out to be a good thing because I'm only used to the main High Street area and NCP car parks. Got on the Arriva at 10:18 and off it chugged, the ride was peaceful and relaxing with the background rhythmic grinding of the train wheels on hot metal tracks as our travel music.

We came up to Highbridge and Burnham station, where - as Tim put it - excited chatter changed slightly to squealing like piggies, the squeals joined with the grinding melody as we rolled out the station and were within moments joined with the faint twanging of banjoes as we approached Bridgwater station, and things went downhill. On board climbed the Bridgies, most notable among them the Bridgy family with the mother who looked like a farmwife gone urban wearing a new looking t-shirt for the video game Killer Instinct (yes, the game from 1994), the son who lumbered everywhere and the daughter who was the station's token cutie (if looking slightly androgynous).

After finally settling into their seat they decided to get up and wait by the door as soon as the first announcement for Taunton was made. Shortly after, Arriva lived up to being a train company and stopped dead in their tracks and the driver got off, cue sarcastic remarks from the brother and I about rail apologies and what was on the line.

Eventually we arrived at Taunton and I pulled out my handy-dandy map from the Medical Examination Centre, which usefully did not include where the station was located, however, signs pointed to town centre and I knew that Brendon and Quantock Houses were located there, so off we trotted. It wasn't long until I had the first proof that we were officially in the heart of Somerset (or "Zummerzet"), outside Taunton's swimming pool an announcement for The Wurzels marked back by popular demand!

Getting a bit confused by the maps orientation (the image was upside down to where we were coming from) we were given assistance from a local who incorrectly pointed us back the way we came, which was partially my fault for not being clear and him not looking at where my finger on the map was. We walked back, found it to be wrong and bumped into the guy again :

Taunton Guy : Did you find it?
Me : No, sorry, it was the wrong building, I was looking for Brendon Hou [inspiration hits]...the social!
TG : Oh right! Sorry, brain wasn't switched on...go [blah blah directional blah that confirmed where I was going originally]
Me : Ah, cheers.
TG : Good money to be made there, signing on and all...
Me : I can't, I work there... [meaning for the Government]
TG : And you don't know your way to the office?
Me : Well, I work out of Weston so it's my first time...
TG : No wonder it's so fucking slow.

Cider-drinking, haystack humper. But, irregardless we eventually got towards the centre when I realised that Taunton had it's own time zone just off GMT, in fact some 20 odd years off GMT. Taunton still has a frickin' Wimpy.

Wimpy is the member of the Burger family, alongside it's sisters McDonalds and BK, however it is that family member that has napkin rings, speaks in the queen's english and holds candlelight suppers with local parish members. They serve burgers on plates and have no idea of what to put as toys in kids meals. Wimpy should not exist anymore, it should have retired and bought a villa in southern France or Spain and be sitting around in a vest and long chain drinking gin and tonic.

Went to Yates's for lunch, which has a damn good cheese burger, so light in bite but very filling. Picked up some fresh cream doughnuts for Pete and Andrew, seeing as I was visiting their office and headed off to the medical.

The appointment was for 13:30 and lasted 2-3 minutes. What The Hell!? I had the day off and hours credited, travelled through Bridgwater and with Bridgies, got lost and tired and got dissed by a friggin' 'zetter, for 2-3 minutes of interview!? When I told Si, in a conversation that lasted twice as long as the interview, he almost blew it. The term 'fuck' sprang up a couple of times too.

The plus side is I dropped the doughnuts off while If You're Gone by Matchbox 20 was on, and I got to see the pickled bat that the guys have on their windowsill. Yeah, when they moved in there was a dead bat in the room, they put it in a coffee jar and pickled it...in apple juice...suffice to say, it's now in dark brown cider, stiff as a board and is only recognisable as a bat because it looks kind of bat-like from the right angle.

Walked back to the station, first noticeable person was an american woman in shorts with a midwest-esque accent asking the station staff if there were roadworks near the entrance, there were two entrances both with minor roadworks. I felt like pointing out it was England and she'd be hard-pushed to find anywhere without roadworks. There are county lanes that have been disused for 16 years with roadworks.

Then I saw the Bridgie family waiting for the same train as us, but when another train pulled in first after our trains announcement they hurried over. Amusingly it was a train that goes direct to Temple Meads, but that's Bridgies for you. Instead, we had a mother and her two children, racing around and getting under peoples feet while fighting and saying things like "Dino Daggers" or something, guess where they were going?

That's right, they stayed on the train until Bridgwater, where I watched with some amusement that the other Bridgie family didn't disembark, instead two chavvy looking girls boarded, leaving behind a topless guy with two cans of Special Brew and barely any teeth on the station. They proceeded to try to guess a smell on them (I say it was a top they were sniffing, Tim says fingers) and they left us at Highbridge. The rest of the ride was peaceful.

Oh, the conductor on the train was at least seven foot, bearded and with a stiff neck that kept his chin to chest. He looked like an unemployed Lurch who let himself go after Gomez gave him his papers.

My camera even worked, wish I'd used it more now instead of thinking "well, fuzzy pictures will remind me what I wanted to post".


When we got back to Weston I was impressed, the heat was still there and people were enjoying it. I would like to thank the following people :

• Louis Reard - the inventor of the 'modern' bikini;
• whoever created the look of bikini serving as under- and overwear;
• whoever chose bright pink as a bikini colour;
• the very hot girl who chose to wear it;
• everyone else bikini-clad today - you've made a young perv very happy horny...thanks a lot ::mutter::

Of course, it must be really hot, because on the way home there was a bikini top hanging from a shrub near the crazy golf.

Olympics 2012. London. How the feck did that one happen!? Yes, the French screwed up by having strikes the day of the committee tour, but London is...well, London!! Wonder how much my tax will increase to pay for that. It offers an idea for the unemployed and 'unemployable', the Nationalised Labour Force who, in return for getting their benefits and something for their CV, will have to work on building the stadiums, road systems and Olympic village - and if they fail or walk off, suspension of benefit. Post Olympics they will get the option to buy the lousier of village housing.

Anyway, went for the meeting in Bridgwater today, travelling was alright but felt a bit long coming back. It would have been a better day if I hadn't had the nosebleed on the way to the office.

Oh, and I found out it was The Crossroads, near the church in Huntspill, that I went to a few years back - small world!

Got some of my work back, a few of my higher duties returned and new tasks may be on the horizon. It kind of feels like levelling, but in a less geeky and pathetic way, just a bit of achievement. Even showed why I was missed so much when I saved us a ton of work by pointing out different ways to handle training. It's good to be back.

I've got to attend training in Bristol at The Pithay next week, should be 'interesting'.