Good grief, as the expression goes, and today I lived up to all that phrase entails.

You see, it's coming up to Halloween and that is my favourite time of the year, I could do without Easter and Christmas as long as there is a good Halloween. The only drawback is, I'm British, and we don't really do Halloween over here to the same degree as other countries, it's all a bit much for the sensibilities of the general public to accept the enjoyment of trick-or-treating, despite the day's European traditions.

As so far as trick-or-treating, because of the relative poorness/cheapness of the village and it's rather old occupants, there was barely any done, the most I ever got to do was on one Halloween I was allowed to walk down to the shops with everybody wearing the costume from a cheap novelty box. I'm sure everybody has seen a version of the set, it's packed in a flimsy cardboard coffin and contained green fingers with bright red nails, a pair of foul tasting white plastic fangs, an oversized crucifix on nylon string and a 'cape' that was pretty much half a bin bag with a tie handle.

Yet, as a British child, I would watch the imported American shows where they had real Halloweens, and feel the pang of envy. As a kid I tried different recipes from shows, like a melted chocolate and gloppy marshmallow pie that wasn't so much scary as plagued, and on at least two occasions carved a pumpkin really badly, and yet I could never even get near the much vaunted Halloween that I felt would make life complete - the mystical Halloween that has the magic of a White Christmas. But, I would continue watching the shows, and observing the traditions of watching Horror movies on Halloween, and griping about the state of Halloween in this country (see my comments on costuming, for example).

But, I felt I needed to do something to bridge the gap, and seeing as pumpkins are in the shops now for carving and cooking sizes I figured "Let's Do It!" and make pumpkin pies! It's time for the Cooking With Guise segment, and in case you are wondering, yes it will be a little like Brak's:

Brak: Hello everybody! Today on "Cooking with Brak" we'll be preparing one of my favorite recipes -
Space Ghost: The cooking segment is cancelled.
Brak: What, again? Why??
Space Ghost: Remember that last little treat you conjured up?
Brak: You mean Brak's Pork Tartar with Halibut Gravy Surf and Turf Combo Platter?
Space Ghost: Right. And do you remember all that messy business with the Board of Health?
Brak: Those Board of Health guys wouldn't know creative cuisine if it bit 'em!
Space Ghost: It DID bite 'em. That's why they threw the Producer AND the G.M. in jail for reckless endangerment. Executive-type guys don't go much for them little adventures.
Brak: Hey, what's the big deal? So a few people got a tummy ache!
Space Ghost: Tummy ache? The whole crew lost all feeling in their arms and legs!
Brak: Well, they're moving around pretty good now! 'Cept for that Garber guy.
Zorak: Poor Garber. Sheez. Tough break.
Brak: How was I supposed to know he was allergic to cats?!
Zorak: I think you're supposed to COOK the pork.
Brak: NOW you tell me!

Be afraid, be very afraid!

Cooking with Guise - Pumpkin Pies!!!

I went to Tesco the other day, and purchased two pumpkins that were labelled as 'Ideal for Cooking'. This is perfect for me, straight off the bat I've got 'Ideal' pumpkins, that was the best omen, because it would've sucked to have picked one up that was 'Fecking Appalling for Cooking'. Seriously, with a pair of 'Ideal' pumpkins what could go wrong?!

So, after a roast Sunday lunch, I set to work and gathered my ingredients:

2 Pumpkins (about 3lbs whole each)
4 Large Eggs
1 Cup Double Cream
1.5 Cup Milk
1 Cup Brown Sugar
2 Teaspoon Ground Cinnamon
2 Teaspoon Ground Ginger
2 Teaspoon Ground Nutmeg
1 Teaspoon Salt
1 Block pre-made Shortcrust Pastry

Obviously, I didn't actually have them measured out at this time, because I knew it might take me a little while to prepare the pumpkin.

Boy howdy.

You see, in the US they have canned pumpkin mix, because they have entire seasons when they make pies with pumpkins, in the UK we don't really have the ongoing market to make it a requirement.

Lacking pre-processed pumpkin purée I had to take the long road. So, pulling out my kick ass Cooks Knife, which gave me the empowering feeling of emulating Michael Myers (the serial killer, not Austin Powers) and the temptation to make Psycho, Friday the 13th and Halloween backing noises, I cut out the top and bottom of the pumpkin to make them easier to balance and then split the pumpkins into quarters.

I've always had trouble scooping out pumpkins when I carved them, but now I had them split open the job was easy. I took a firm ice cream scoop, the old spoon kind without any swishing action, and scrape all of the fibrous bits and seeds out.

Anybody on TV who compares the action to scooping out brains I can only believe is missing out the bit where you are scooping out brains via the naval cavity.

For anyone who has never experienced pumpkin preparation allow me to issue a spoiler: You will make a mess, get bits of fibrous material under your nails that will take ages to wash out and you will be discovering seeds in random locations forever more.

I had read that the best way to get the good flesh out of the pumpkin was to bake the pumpkin for a while in tin foil. This was where things got a tad tricky.

You see earlier in the day, I had been told 'We'll need to get some more foil', now this is where I have a difference of opinion on the English language, because when I say 'We'll need to get some more foil' it's a sign we are running low and foil and will need to pick some up, and 'We need to get some foil' means that we are out of foil, unfortunately I seem to be the only one to make this distinction, so imagine my surprise when I go to wrap the pumpkin to find myself strangely lacking.

I grab my coat and have to walk to the shop to buy more foil.

When I get home, I line the old turkey roasting tins with foil and place the chopped pumpkin quarters rind side down, cover with foil, and bake at 200 degrees centigrade until very soft.

This took a while, so I ended up watching a movie about a possessed car driven dangerously by a succubus, or as Disney called it Herbie: Fully Loaded.

About an hour and a half later, the smell of roasted pumpkin was in the air so I went and took it out the oven. Mmm, golden orange glow.

I took a smaller knife and scraped the flesh free of the rind, which was much easier and for the most part the rind just simply peeled off. I cut the flesh in to chunks.

By this time I was getting concerned, most of the afternoon had gone, the kitchen was a mess with no room to put anything, and soon I'd need to something for the evening. Actually, it wasn't so much concern as near hysterical panic.

I took my pumpkin chunks and then puréed it with a hand blender.

To be honest, using a hand blender was quite difficult for the task, and probably a proper blender or vegetable-tailored food processor would have been a smarter choice, but you use what you have. The kitchen sounded like a carpenters workshop, and for some reason the hand blender had the faint smell of a Babyliss depilatory device.

I got a hold of my thawed out pre-made pastry, using only one block from a two block pack. In hindsight, using both blocks would have made better pies, the crust was a little thin and didn't really carry up the tin far enough once it started cooking.

I rolled out and prepared the pastry, placing it gently in two sandwich tins and then pre-baked the pie crust at 200°C for about 10 minutes to firm it up.

Meanwhile, I broke four eggs over the mixing bowl, and after shaking the goop off my hands and piking out shell fragments, I whisked the eggs thoroughly into a nice pustulant yellow meld.

I poured in the cream and milk, and began concerned that it did have quite a lot of liquid, let alone a ton of fat.

I then dumped in the rather large amount of sugar, and began to tick off the high levels of calories.

Then, figuring that I'd never really measure out the spices, I sprinkled them in generously.

It really was a very liquid mix.

Then I took my nice, thick orange slop from the pumpkin, and splodged that in to the mix.

Whisking it up, it came out as a cross between very runny custard and thick creamy soup, but it smelt very nice.

I pulled the pie crusts out of the oven and poured the filling into the crust, then threw it back in to the oven, to bake at 200C.

The thing was, the recipe had said 'for 35-45 minutes or until a knife comes out clean', I didn't therefore expect it to take roughly about an hour and a half until they were done.

Luckily, I was able to use the grill to do cheese on toast for everyone, whilst the pies were baking in the oven section.

There was, of course, another failure I made. You see, I forgot that the grill pan was in the closed grill section, right above the oven, and which had been heating up since cooking started on lunch. Bloody hell did it sting when I grabbed the handle and attempted to pull it out of the grill.

However, I did manage a slight pun for my food, having cheese on toast for tea. Haha T-time!

When I finally pulled the pies out for the final time they smelt lovely and the knife came out clean, though they were each a little burnt in some spots on top.

Not bad though, considering I started at about 13:00 and ended at 19:45. I don't think I've ever spent nearly seven hours attempting to cook anything before.

Then my camera decided to die on me and keep flashing the status light.

Strangely, everyone seems to like it. I caught </a></b></a>tim sneaking a piece of pie.

Does it feel Halloweeny though? Not really, but I think it encapsulates quite well the feeling of stomach churning discomfort from horrific sights and sensations (the pumpkin goring) and moments of abject terror and panic, coupled with a large survival instinct.

I have made pumpkin pie, I feel accomplished, I never want to go through the sodding displeasure again. Though I am up for carving a pumpkin into a bad impersonation of scary.

PS. I just messed up your friends page with my images! Haha!