This is the first post dedicated to Dan after his win in the Easter Egg Hunt. His chosen topic was: “some of the folklore of the UK”. So, I’m going to give a brief overview of the subject, because it’d be a bit of a bugger to collect it all!

I’m going to avoid the Celtic views, because Ireland is it’s own country. However, I find it important to note that we, as a nation, have also cobbled together stories based on the folklore of other European nations who have conquered us in the past. Romans, Vikings, Normans, all mixed in their stories to our folklore and gave us their creatures to play with.

The problem with the majority of folklore in the United Kingdom is that a lot of it is based off of legends focusing on heroes being valiant and victorious, more so than the creatures they encounter. Stories abound about dragons, but only those who are pre-destined to be slain by a well-groomed knight, and characters like Robin Hood and the Arthurian knights get many tales and poems about them. Of course, there are also many tales of elves, duerger, fairies, imps, pixies, sprites, dragons and other assorted legendary creatures, but these are often shared quite widely too.

Excluding ghost stories, there are very few actual terrifying creatures in modern telling. Although, ghost stories themselves are fairly common, albeit usually consisting of run-of-the-mill restless dead who seek revenge for their untimely demise or wish to serve their afterlife as a warning beacon to others. Part of the growing strength, I believe, to the belief in ghosts and ghost stories in the UK is that we have a plentiful supply of creepy old buildings and small rural areas, which keep the illusion that people hold alive, a vast number of pubs hold a haunting spectre as a marketable ploy, there are numerous White or Grey Ladies throughout the country, and the Tower of London has some rather remarkable celebrity ghosts.

Other famous ghostly entities include the Will o’ the Wisp, which were the supernatural explanation for lights seen over bogs or areas where there is often some form of natural decomposition taking place. Will o’ the Wisps’ are said to lure people in to marshes and bogs, leading to the wanderers death.

One version of the origin tells of a wicked blacksmith who on his death is given a second chance at life by Saint Peter to prove he should be allowed entry, but leads such a bad life that he ends up being doomed to wander the Earth, seeing this the Devil gives the blacksmith a single burning coal for warmth, which he then used to lure foolish travellers into the marshes. The story is not too different from the Irish story of Jack o’ Lantern.

The ghostly Black Dog, made more commonplace by the Harry Potter stories where it is merged with the legends of the Church Grim, are quite a widespread piece of folklore in England, even reserving special names in different regions, for example: the benevolent, protective Gurt Dog of Somerset (Gurt being the Somerset term for large) and Padfoot in Wakefield.

The Dog often acts as a foreshadowing creature, warning of a coming death in the immediate location and quite often can haunt locations of past deaths. Newgate Prison is supposed to be the home for a black dog for over 400 years, who appears before executions, while another dog in Hertfordshire is believed to always frequent the spot in Tring where they would hang condemned men. Perhaps the most vicious of these is the Barghest, which is one of the few Black Dogs to be established as a hunter, preying on lone travellers in dark alleys.

The Church Grim, on the other hand, is more an attendant spirit to a church yard and protector of the grounds from evil, and can appear either as humanoid or canine figures.

Dogs aren’t alone in this though, as the UK has a large number of Phantom Cats, which are believed to be like panthers skulking through moors and fields hunting on livestock. Though, some believe that there are actual real big cats in the UK, but that these have been released from private collections. Typically, they’ll earn the name “Beast of [place]”, such as Exmoor, Bodmin Moor and Riber.

Most other folklore tales that feature fearsome creatures or ghosts are usually used as a warning to children or an explanation to certain strange occurrences or noises. Though there are some that exist, the lack of great foreboding forests of tall, sharp trees - such as one may find in Germanic or Scandinavian regions - makes it quite obvious that our number would be lower for these creatures.

Instead, a large part of UK folklore comes from Pagan and Druidic beliefs, focused around fertility and harvests, which brings traditions of Morris Dancing and Maypoles to events even to this day. These beliefs also provide characters, such as the Green Man, which although it seemed to start as a head surrounded by foliage, has been merged with the May Day character Jack in the Green to make him seem more like a full-bodied earth elemental, trickster and fertility symbol.

A lot of folklore for the UK, in particular England, comes from legendary explanations of sites of interests, such as standing stones and geologic features. There was a practice during the Neolithic and Bronze Ages to form standing stones in countryside, and stories were often attributed to mystical means of their placement - such as tales of people turned to stone or the devil himself throwing huge stone arrows that buried deep in to the ground. Even place names can feature elements of folkloric reference, such as Goblin Combe (where pixies kidnap children who pick primroses).

Witchcraft plays an important role in some of the UK folklore, as it does throughout most of Europe. There are certain characters who manage to fill bogeyman roles as witches. Black Annis of Leicestershire, for example, is a blue-faced crone with iron claws and a taste for flesh who goes out onto the glens at night looking for unsuspecting children and lambs to eat, then hang their skins around her waist.

The most common use of bogeyman and witch warning is towards the dangers of riverways and standing bodies of water, with the likes of Jenny Greenteeth, Peg Powler and Grindylows as traditional scare tactics. Peg and Jenny share a common appearance of green skin, sharp teeth and long hair, and all are said to reside in the water, ready to pull children in and drown them, though Jenny will also attack the elderly and Peg tends to focus on naughty children. Grindylows, which were softened by the Harry Potter series, would actually eat children instead of drown them.

Not all malevolent water creatures were ugly though, the Morgens of Wales were creatures not unlike the Sirens of Greek mythology. Eternally young, the creatures were said to lure men to their death with their beauty or with glimpses of underwater gardens.

An additional witch story, that I’d like to add here because I had a tour of it in primary school, is the Witch of Wookey Hole. The Witch of Wookey Hole is a stalagmite in the first chamber of the Wookey Hole show caves. The stalagmite was allegedly originally a witch who frequently curses budding relationships after she was jilted, her downfall came when she cursed the romance between a Glastonbury man and a girl from Wookey, the man became a monk and seeking revenge tips a bucket of holy water on her head, petrifying her.

English witch folklore has also been used to great, though not necessarily good, effect on other cultures. If you are familiar with the concept of Voodoo, then you are likely also familiar with the traditional Voodoo doll. No, actually you probably aren’t. You see, European witchcraft used small dolls called poppets to curse and cause harm, whereas Voodoo practices used Bocheos effigies and pegs for healing energies. However, Christian missionaries decided they’d much prefer for Voodoo to be evil and hex-making, so they applied European witchcraft to local beliefs. Though it’s spread may have something to do with its ability to intimidate superstitious slave-holders.

Cross-posted from The Ramblings of Guise Dugal at http://www.rogues.1me.net/blog

This is the post dedicated to Dio after her win in the Easter Egg Hunt. Her chosen topic was: “I think you’ll know what I like (and no I don’t mean furry smut, kthxbye).” Yeah, that was a major cop out right there, everybody noticed it, right?

Of the subjects that I know Dio is fairly passionate about, there can be no mistaking her love of folklore, in particular ghost stories, and the cute Loli’s and Shota’s of the world. Now, I could ramble on about Casper the Friendly Ghost, but I think that would be rather lacking of interest - primarily because I’m not very fond of Casper. But something that has become quite clear is also her enjoyment of sweet things, like desserts. Desserts, and food in general, is a subject quite close to my heart; being that a lot of it’s side effects are probably chilling out on my arteries.

Where am I going with this? Well, what happens if you add desserts, children and folklore together? No, besides Hansel and Gretel.

That’s right, you get dead, fat children who just will not stay buried!

Of my favourite ‘dead fat juvenile creatures of the night’ comes the Japanese Konaki-jijii and the Scandinavian Myling or Utburd, both of which share a similar story and modus operandi.

Besides the name and basic background, I couldn’t find much background about the Konaki-jijii on the internet, it does appear to be one of the lesser documented parts of Japanese folklore, losing out to the more cinematically-successful creatures.

The Konaki-jijii, which means “crying old baby”, is the corporeal spirit of a baby who was abandoned and left to die in the woods. Konaki-jijii would lure people with the sound of its crying, while they were travelling the woods. If the person who finds the baby picks it up to stop it from crying, they would become unable to let go of it. Once held, the Konaki-jijii would suddenly become so heavy that it would crush the person lifting it.

As a side note, and in explaination to the “old” portion of the name, it is said that the baby has the face of an old man. Although, I contend that most babies have that wrinkled rubber face that befalls old men and Yoda. In fact, Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman drew the best comparrison, with identifying babies as smaller versions of Sir Winston Churchill.

Searching for Mylings, however, bought up the expected wealth of information, and variants on the story. Among variants include that the creatures exist in bogs and moors to drown travellers, which I think is probably a more modern take on the sinking concept to aid more rational minds, and that they were often seeking vengence (often without a target) and so would be deliberate in killing.

Mylings are corporeal spirits of unbaptized or murdered children, with the Utburd alternative name meaning “that which is taken outside” in reference to unwanted children being abandoned and left to die in woods or other areas. Because the children were not given a Christian burial, they were believed to be unable to enter Heaven, and so these child ghosts would then haunt the place where they had died.

The Mylings’ hauntings would try to attract people to the area, so that they could try to persuade someone to bury them properly on sacred ground. Persuade is probably a generous term, as most of the stories I’ve come across tend to have the little darlings chase wanderers at night and jump on their backs, screeching a demand to be carried to the nearest graveyard.

The Mylings weren’t successful though, as mylings could often be enormous, and were said to grow increasingly heavier as they neared the graveyard, to the point where the person carrying them would begin to sink into the soil from the weight. When a person began to sink and unable to continue - and, indeed, if they were not crushed first - the Myling would ferociously tear apart them in rage.

Now, I know that this may seem a bit hard to think of in a world of science and visuals, so I’ve scoured YouTube to try and find the best way to show you what this would be like. Now, anyone who has had or given a piggyback or horsey ride will know that it can be a fun and enjoyable experience. If it’s with children, then it can be quite touching and a bonding experience, and if with a young adult then it can be cute and carefree - if you are still in college, go grab some friends and have a piggyback joust, purposefully crash too.

An encounter with a Myling or Konaki-jijii, however, will go from something sweet and inncocent, like this:

to, mere moments later, carrying this on your shoulders:

This is why monsters, particularly juvenile ones, should learn that cookies are a sometimes food.

Cross-posted from The Ramblings of Guise Dugal at http://www.rogues.1me.net/blog

Since I was a little kid I can remember my mum making us bread and butter pudding for dessert; not to be confused with bread pudding which is more cakey.

The bread pudding recipe seemingly passed down from her mother and with very little change, at times it seemed like they were still following ration book provisions of flavour and taste. The thing is, although it was a staple of growing up, and was a very economical dessert, there was no escaping that it tasted like a milky squishy bread under a hard bread, with dried fruit inside.

Bread and butter pudding is supposed to be easy and simple. It’s bread, butter, dried fruit, and a mixture of sugar, milk and egg.

Now, at times I can be quite inventive, and more often than not I can be lazy and cheap. I realised that sugar, milk and egg is custard; a very milky bland custard, but custard none-the-less. So, if I want to make a bread and butter pudding, surely I can substitute milky custard for ready-made custard, and benefit from vanilla flavouring?

Seriously, how hard can it be?

Cooking With Guise - Bread and Butter Pudding (Cheating!)

 

I wasn’t going to go overboard on ingredients or expense, because I was being very cheap. I pretty much went for the lowest common denominators of what was available at my local supermarket and what I had in the cupboards at home:

• Stay Fresh White Bread (I used about 12 slices in all)

• Butter (I used Light butter, because I’m big enough, sadly)

• Dried Fruit (raisins, sultanas, dried lemon rind - all from cupboards store)

• Ground Cinnamon (cupboard)

• Ground Nutmeg (cupboard)

• Ready-made Custard (I used 2 tins of cheap, but I’d highly consider low fat)

The first step was also the most time consuming, buttering the damn bread. Now, I like to use a back-forward sweeping motion that I was taught. When I was first learning to butter bread, I met up with an old frenchman who worked as a janitor in our apartment block, I asked him to train me and he started to show me how to do all these martial arts moves like blocking and chopping actions, turns out that it was his way of teaching me his culinary arts.

After spreading the butter evenly over the bread, you must focus your energies and with deft strokes remove the crust from the slices, and then as you would a foe, quarter or cut to ribbons the remaining body. You should lay his body in to a shallow grave, or create a layer of buttered bread at the base of a container. It’s best to use a square or rectangular container to get a tighter fit.

On the first layer, I sprinkled a generous helping of cinnamon and nutmeg, and those really help the flavour after the creaminess of the custard. After the sprinkling, scatter a handful of dried fruit.

For the glory of victory, you should rest upon your first victim and additional body, laying out an additional floor of buttered bread. I left a few gaps in this layer, to allow the custard to seep through. On this layer, just add the dried fruit, as you don’t want to overpower with spices.

As a final message that you mean seriousness, apply a top body, or final bread layer. You can choose whether or not to scatter fruit here, though I chose not to.

Now, pour the custard in to either a microwavable jug or a saucepan and heat that goo up until it’s very hot and extremely liquidy; the closer you can get it to a free-flowing state the better - though avoid burning it or bubbling over. Pour this custard directly over the bread grave, making sure that it flows through to the lower regions and covers the top evenly.

If you have any custard remaining, eat it. Seriously, custard is freaking delicious.

Store the mixture somewhere cool to set for between 15-45 minutes, depending on distractions. Then put it in the oven on a medium heat for about 30 minutes or until the top starts to carmelize.

You can either serves this hot (as I did) or let it cool and set to enjoy later.

Now, it didn’t quite come out as combined as my mum makes, I could have done with leaving a few more gaps and getting the custard more spread throughout the mixture, I guess. However, there was a lot more flavour in it, from the spices and vanilla of the custard, which made it very creamy. Overall, it went down well amongst myself, a brother and even my mum.

I’m domesticated a bit more though, and it cost me very little to make, seeing as I had most ingredients left over afterwards.

 

Bonus! Bonus! Bonus!

While shopping today, I came across something that I had to buy, try and photograph, despite my assertions that Easter was done. I found Cadbury’s Creme Egg Ice Cream Bar (and I spent ages trying to find out if it was properly a lolly, a popsicle, or what it was).

The ice cream bar is a lot like a Magnum; thin, cracking chocolate around an ice cream block. In this instance though, the block contains a white vanilla ice cream bit and yellow fondant-flavoured ice cream bit, which actually makes it taste quite like a very cold  creme egg.

Have to admit, I prefer it to the McFlurry version.

Cross-posted from The Ramblings of Guise Dugal at http://www.rogues.1me.net/blog

I thought it would be interesting to look at the things I learnt and how things developed during my multitude of Easter posts, mainly in explanation, apology and to avoid having to write about chocolate again. Hopefully, this may be of insight in to how my mind works and might be a slight muse to someone in the future.

I wear the ears, the ears do not wear me.

The rabbit ears, I decided early on - even before I started the Easter 2008 entries - would be a constant throughout the Easter entries. I wanted something to show that there was an ongoing theme to make the entries special, also I hoped that they might distract people to focusing on that par of my photographs.

I bought the ears (which are actually Donkey from Shrek ears, but are more hare like to me) before Christmas, thanks to inspiration from Matt at X-Entertainment, his character of Hssxxlllo Ussall and the likes of Dio and Kittymao who fed me with inspiration and art about the character and others.

I like to think having the rabbit ears adds to the photographs, so instead of just boring photographs of someone eating and showing chocolate, there is a little bit of humour involved.

Contrary to popular belief, I don’t actually have giant ears sticking from the top of my head, nor do I need glasses constantly. Unfortunately, as I’d taken the first photographs with my glasses on, it became necessary in my editorial continuity mindset to keep that trend.

Arrgh! The horror! The ungodly horror!Making chocolate say “Cheese!”I really hadn’t intended to cover so much chocolate and candy in such a short space of time, in fact, I hadn’t really intended to cover that much candy period. The problem I had was that if I identified only a few products, I’d feel let down that I didn’t do the rest. I’m fairly satisfied now that I did such a large cross-section.

I knew that if I wrote about them, I’d have difficulty actually making a review. I’m fairly concise about whether I like or loathe something, so I reckoned that at most I’d probably squeeze two paragraphs out of each product, and most of that would be description. With that in mind, I decided to make each entry about multiple candies and place against each other in terms of taste, nausea inducement and/or value.

These scales are completely arbitary and don’t even work against each other, the value of small mini eggs against larger eggs just doesn’t scale the same. However, it did help me to get across concisely the level of my enjoyment or disgust, while being able to post within my reviewing ability level.

Taking photographs of candy is hard, especially trying to show a fair scale for size comparison. I tried to keep in the same position and distances for photographs, but it wasn’t always possible. Details and decals on white chocolate is also a huge imbuggerance to try to take photographs of, the surface being highly reflective when using flash and highly blurred when not. 

It is only wafer thin

The problem with reviewing chocolate is that you have to purchase and eat the chocolate. I’m lucky on two fronts there, family will still buy me candy if I look pathetic enough and athough I don’t have a social circle, I do have a brother that I can share my candy with to prevent me from exploding. Quite a lot of the additional items, for example the small Creme Eggs from the multi-bag, were passed over after I’d had my test victim.

The few eggs I’ve had were quite enough.

History and Myths

To me, things from my childhood amuse and interest me as much these days as back then. I still dislike scarecrows, love the concept of Halloween and think as highly of the notion of cosplay as I did of play-acting in my back garden. As such, I wanted to share them and hopefully amuse others in the process, and one of the things I’ve learnt is that you can always find something from childhood to talk about that either someone else will recognise themselves or will appreciate the thought.

I knew from the outset that I wanted to cover the mythology that my mind had crafted for the Easter Bunny over the years. Stories of the bunnies sacrifice had gotten me told off in school and received stern looks or rolled eyes from the parents of my friends during my youth. I’d always tried to place how Easter Bunnies grew up, could be small rabbits or giant Furries, and how different types of Easter Eggs came about, and later in my life had begun to appreciate bunnygirls and cosplayers.

This all harks back to thematic linking, I wanted to establish that I wasn’t just blogging about chocolate, but about Easter chocolate. This is why I tried to ensure a reference to the Easter Bunny in entries and kept the ears.

A bridge too far

Of course, in addition to the standard mythology, somewhere along the way I lost the plot.. To be more accurate, I found a different, seedier plot. Although it had been my intention to infer that breeding causing the egg flavouring, I had no intention from the outset to write such indepth tales of bunny love, and I didn’t expect them to be as easy to write as they were.

I don’t usually talk freely about that sort of thing, unless directly to someone I trust and value highly. Although I tend to be a terrible flirt and have twisted humour, I’m actually fairly bashful about the subject. I do believe though that there are three me’s, and one of them is a hyperactive monkey with poorly controlled lust issues, that Guise tends to write things that I then feel extremely embarrassed and guilty about. Luckily, I don’t think I offended anyone too badly, and I’m quite happy that I reached the compromise of protecting entries rather than running an edit of them. 

Communication

One of the most valuable things that I’ve had over this period, which I think anyone who writes should cherish, is communication. People who have chatted here have been major sources of inspiration and motivation, and had it not been for that support I probably would have lost the will to continue writing these things up. Ideas can often spring up from comments and you can learn a lot from others. The key here, appreciate those around you, engage with them and you’ll find yourself rewarded and stimulated.

The entry you didn’t see

Yes, there was a deleted scene. I hoped to do a Cooking with Guise episode again, which if you’ve seen the archives you’ll know is usually me attempting to cook and the majority of the time succeeding to some extent.

I had intended to make Baked Eggs for Easter Sunday, unfortunately what I created was solid milky egg with a burnt top, burnt sides and burnt bottom. Only the yolk was really edible, and photographs just showed blackness.

As I couldn’t really describe it for a review or recommend the recipe, I decided to skip the entry entirely.

Hope you all had a great Easter and thank you for your support!

Cross-posted from The Ramblings of Guise Dugal at http://www.rogues.1me.net/blog

Throughout their life an Easter Bunny faces many changes to their size and appearance, going through a form of metamorphisis from tiny chocolate figure to anthromorphic representation of the Great Bunny. During all the stages, they remain a treat to taste and a glory to behold. In the name of SCIENCE and better understanding, and through the glory of internet searching, I have been able to produce an illustrated guide to the stages of Easter Bunny life.

The stages are not based overly on age, more a level of maturity and desire to develop, some bunnies prefer to remain in certain stages for lengthened periods by choice.

It should be noted that both genders of Easter Bunny are able to produce and lay eggs, the method is a prized secret and not often discussed outside of bunnidom.

New Born Bunnies

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Once bunnies hatch from the Easter eggs they are very susceptible to predators, most dangerous of which is the Human child. At this stage the bunnies are barely aware of their surroundings or their heritage, and will hop freely around without a care. Bunnies at this stage of development bear similarities to normal rabbits, only they are made of chocolate and much smaller.New born bunnies are not capable of laying eggs and do not have the desire to procreate.

Four-Footed Stage

Click for full size imageThe four footed stage takes place after hatching and while the Easter Bunny remains in traditional rabbit form, their size can greatly increase to exceed those of even a giant pet rabbit, and several anthromorphic traits (such as smiles, eye shape and fashion sense) may develop. It is not unusual for Easter Bunnies in the four footed stage to lay eggs, however these will mostly be miniscule in size and consist almost entirely of plain chocolate.

The Two Footed Stage

Bunnies in the two-footed stage have begun to take a more anthromorphic state, often hopping or prancing about on their hindlegs whilst using their front paws to perform manual dexterous tasks, such as carry baskets or tying ribbons. Bunnies in this stage will begin to care more for their appearance, adopting Human-like apparrel. Two-footed bunnies often act child-like, seeming to be of a cute playful character. Eggs laid during this stage tend to be slightly larger, and because of their increasing closeness to the Great Bunny, will sometimes be brightly decorated.

From this stage, all Easter Bunnies are expected to help in the scattering of Easter Eggs throughout the world.

The Developing Bunny

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Sometimes known as the Bunnygirl or Bunnyboy, the developing bunny is slowly going through stages of metamorphisis to take a more human-like appearance. They will typically go through stages of development akin to the growth cycle of a human, but at varying rates and with the ability to control pausing of development - though not reversal. As the bunny develops, it is not uncommon for the main body fur to decrease or disappear, leaving only the cottontail and ears, and at the same time facial features will appear more human-like and paws may develop in to hands and feet.The developing bunny is the most aware of their appearance and sensuality, they will often try to emulate desirable fashions and looks held by Humans. As they become more self-aware, they also begin increased sexual experimentation and egg-laying. An Easter Bunny may have several dozen partners in a given season and lay multiple hundred eggs, these eggs gain flavour and extras through the mixing of partners and new eggs are created inside the bunny for every passionate encounter - even self-passion.

A recent advent to bunnidom has been the creation of devices to assist in experimentation without procreation. Although this is generally frowned on by the more senior Easter Bunnies, advocates for the method say that it allows for the better mixing of flavours without unwanted examples. A common side effect is that eggs that are created by the encounter, although remaining miniature, can often be flavoured and recieve scaled extras similar to the standard eggs.

Virginal Easter Bunnies will continue to lay miniature eggs or larger, hollow eggs. Eggs bought about by means of self-passion with devices can often contain small plastic toys or playful statuettes. The developing bunny is able to lay eggs that will hatch in to a future generation of Easter Bunny.

The Avatar Bunny

Click for full size imageAs an Easter Bunny reaches the end of their life cycle they tend to regress in appearance, remaining a humanoid size and shape but returning to the features of a rabbit. Their body fur will generally grow back over their body, but usually in a snowy white coat.

During this stage, the Easter Bunny will often not procreate outside of Bunnidum. Put bluntly, encounters with non-Bunnies will often end with an external moneyshot. As a result the Avatar Bunny’s eggs are usually hollow and accompanied with a seperate gift of a lover. The Avatar Bunny is mainly responsible for laying eggs which will hatch future Easter Bunnies and to teach younger bunnies about their faith, cultural and interpersonal relations.

On a final note, for Easter I got a Maltesers Easter Egg (large egg with bag of Maltesers), a 5 pack of Fun Galore, a bag of Galaxy Eggs, a bag of Lindt Lindor Eggs, a pack of two small Lindt bunnies with two Lindt mini eggs, and a Large Lindt Golden Bunny.

Click for full size image

Cross-posted from The Ramblings of Guise Dugal at http://www.rogues.1me.net/blog

“Ugh,” thought the young Easter Bunny as he snuck through the untidy flat of a rather cheap blogger, “why can the ones without their own gardens at least put up a flower box outside to make this job easier.”Muttering and twitching his nose, he crept in to the bloggers bedroom and scanned around for a likely spot to hide his treasures, his keen carrot-enhanced eyes zooming from untidy pile of clean t-shirts to crudely stacked boxes of books. In the bed, half revealed by ruckled duvet, the blogger murmured groggily in his sleep about the evils of chocolate and a crippling, dying feeling in his gut.</p>

The bunny hopped over to the blogger’s wardrobe and smirked. He placed the eggs about the area and then bent over to ruffle the sleeping figures hair. He rubbed his nose against the sleeper in an eskimo kiss and hopped off.

Its Easter morning and the Bunny has been, so my friends I intend to the share the wealth with a little game of Easter Egg Hunt. The Bunny left me ten eggs overnight, however, one may have hatched in to a new Easter Bunny, see if you can spot them and you can win a (admitedly lame) prize!

How To Play:
* Download or copy the picture and mark on the picture the location of all nine (9) Easter Eggs and one (1) Easter Bunny.
* Email the marked picture to me at guise@1me.net
* Winners will be emailed back so that they can claim their prize.
* Entrants must be received by 06:00GMT Thursday 27 March 2008.

(Lame) Prize Details:
* For all winners, I will write an entry based on a subject or question you pose to me, although the following rules apply:
- Claims can be made anytime before 1 April 2008, to allow thinking time.
- I will name the person who made the request.
- I reserve the right to answer the request in a “Log In Required” entry depending on nature.
- Subjects needn’t be about Easter as it is nearly over, feel free to think outside the box to any subjects you are interested in.
- Please, for the love of the Bunny, do not get me to eat any more chocolate. I’m seriously on the verge of throwing up now!
- I’d love to have the right not to incriminate myself too badly on highly questionable (il)legal stuff, if you don’t mind. (If you really want an answer to those questions, ask me directly!)
* For the first winner, the same rules as above apply, but they get to submit TWO suggestions or questions.

Ok, so the prize is basically the meme going around about writing outside of your comfort zone, but I like to make things a bit quirky.

Cross-posted from The Ramblings of Guise Dugal at http://www.rogues.1me.net/blog

Overnight, all around the globe, the final layings and dispatch of the Easter Bunnies will take place. There will be hopping through hedgerow and flowerbed, garden and garage, as the cottonbummed descendents of the Great Bunny scatter their basketfuls of eggs. Some of these eggs will hatch over night, releasing a new generation of Easter Bunnies who will one day take up the full mantle, other eggs will remain for children and child-like adults to discover and eat (or indeed over-eat) with much glee.

Christmas may be about scoring and giving presents, Valentines about stalking and giving things that people may be allergic to (chocolate, flowers, wasp venom cocktails) and Halloween may be about ghost stories and scoring candy, but it is Easter that is all in your face about chocolates, bunnies, sacrifice and procreation. The Easter Bunny is the party animal that has always ensured that the cycle of seasons remains intact and that the circle of life is more than just a Disney song.

At this time of year, it is the rabbit who rules the animal kingdom, not from Pride Rock or a jungle ruin, but from a clover field. It is therefore only right that the bunny is given his due respect above other animals by the race of man.

For years, Cadbury’s Animal biscuits have been a staple party and ’sometimes food’ for children. Within the ‘Cadbury purple’ reside animal-shaped shortbread biscuits coated with a layer of milk chocolate on one side - notably the flat, featurelss side.

The main players of the zoo and safari industry have commonly been represented in biscuity form, with almost constant appearances from elephant, monkey, lion, tiger, hippo and seal. At Easter time, the lucky footed, heroic hopper doesn’t get included amongst the riff-raff, he gets rewarded with his own box.

Click on thumbnails for full size imagesFrom what I’ve seen throughout the box, there are four basic shapes of bunny, with some more liable to chip than others because of jutting out appendages.

The biscuits in the Cadbury Bunnies box are marginally larger than the standar Animal biscuits, but otherwise they are the same thing. They have the familiar taste of slightly buttery shortbread biscuits and the same Cadburys milk chocolate layer, all of which brings back memories of nibbling on biscuits and sorting out order of eating.

Heck, just opening the box and white inner bag, getting the first sniff of butter and chocolate, is enough to make me harken back to days of minty green school custard, neon bermuda shorts and trying to convince parents that SodaStreams were something worthwhile despite all readily-available and demonstratable evidence to the contrary. To be honest, I’m now actually longing for that custard again, I’ll skip on the whole bermuda shorts deal, I must have looked a complete doof in the whole handed-down ensemble.

The Bunnies have a really nice, brightly coloured box which immediately caught my eye in the shops and made me desperately want a pack. Not only that, but there is a rather nifty ‘Colour In’ picture on the back that also doubles as a ‘Find The Egg’ game.

If you want, you can spend a few minutes colouring it in. Don’t worry, I shalln’t tell anyone!

Cross-posted from The Ramblings of Guise Dugal at http://www.rogues.1me.net/blog

I’ve recently covered toy eggs and miniature eggs, so really the only way is to increase size from there. Now, I’m not going to roll out the large scale Easter Eggs, unless, by some surprise I actually end up with some tomorrow, but I am going to go to the next size up. These are the eggs that are from developing Easter Bunnies, the coming-of-age rabbits who are starting to frolic and come to terms with flavouring and laying eggs.

My choice is slightly limited for simple, fairly small eggs. Easter Eggs tend to go from diddy to fist-sized or bigger, skipping the mid-range to allow Creme Eggs and their ilk to take over, but I’ve got a few and a variant of a loved kids classic to experiment with.

For SCIENCE!

Bon Bon Buddies ‘Eggie’ in Scooby Doo design

Click on thumbnail to view full size imageAh, the inevitable return of the previously disqualified, toyless eggie. The Scooby Doo egg is exactly the same as the Dora egg, the same size, taste and even foil. The only real difference is that the box has Scooby on it and a maze game, which I still hold that Dora should have had. It’s not exactly bang for your buck when you can get a Mars Egg or a toy egg for about the same price.

Taste: 3.5/5
Value: 1/5

Nestle Smarties ‘Shakers’ Egg

Click on thumbnail to view full size imageThe main selling point of the ‘Shakers’ egg is that as well as having an easter egg, you have small treats loose inside that give a nice rattling sound when you shake it. Noise, chocolate and shiny packaging, they know kids.

The egg is very much like the Rolo egg shell, a textured pattern with the Nestle logo, but when you bite through it you only get the taste of solid milk chocolate without mixing with toffee. This was actually a vast improvement and the chocolate was quite tasty.

Inside the egg were several micro-Smarties, only a fraction of the size of Smarties but they were as tasty as the full-size and remarkably different from the Smarties Mini Eggs. This re-established my faith in Nestle to sometimes get things right.

Taste: 3.75/5
Value: 3.5/5

Nestle Milky Bar ‘Shakers’ Egg

Click on thumbnail to view full size imageAfter the Milky Bar Minis I was a bit worried about this one.

The egg shell is the same pattern as the Rolo and Smarties, but is made of solid creamy white chocolate, which tasted just like a real Milky Bar, just thicker. The insides were full of small puffed rice crispies in a white chocolate shell, just like having a rice crispies cake!

This was a far cry from the disaster that was the Milky Bar Minis, I actually fancied another afterwards.

Taste: 3.75/5
Value: 3.5/5

Woolworths Easter Egg Hunt Eggs

Click on thumbnail to view full size imageI suppose it comes to something when you label a product “easter hunt milk chocolate shapes”, as if the idea of refering to them as eggs would be misrepresentation or some form of discriminatory remark. You get ten in a pack, which is quite good, and only one of them was shattered by the time it got home. This one would be my sacrificial taste test, while the others would actually be used.

To be honest, the chocolate isn’t that bad for cheap eggs, it’s very much the taste of Generic Supermarket Brand where everything is made by the numbers. It isn’t especially milky, but at the same rate it isn’t dark or plain, so it balances out. There is a definate taste of chocolate and as the shell is fairly thin it isn’t a lingering taste.

If you were after just something to give kids so that they had a plentiful supply this would most likely be it.

Taste: 3.1/5
Value: 3.5/5 (You can pick up a bag of ten (125g pack) for the price of two Eggies (20g each))

Cadburys Easter Tea Cake - ok, it isn’t an egg…

Click on thumbnail to view full size imageNot to be confused with the teacake bun or, in the US, cookie served alongside tea; this is a variant of the tea cake (note the space). A normal tea cake is a small round shortbread biscuit covered, sometimes with a splodge of jam on top, with a dome of either whipped egg white or marshmallow (depending on producer) and thenencased in a very fine layer of chocolate.

This Easter Tea Cake contains a splodge of orange jam on the biscuit (a biscuit that has been made with chocolate in the mix), a dome of marshmallow and a fine layer of Cadbury’s milk chocolate. Obviously, that’s supposed to be an egg, I guess.

You get ten in a pack and they are exceptionally scrummy.

Taste: 3.5/5
Value: 3.5/5

Cross-posted from The Ramblings of Guise Dugal at http://www.rogues.1me.net/blog

Today is Good Friday. Now, I’ve never really understood where the idea of nailing some pretty cheerful, kind-hearted person on a cross was ever considered ‘Good’, I reckon if you asked the person being staked they’d probably call it “A Bit of A Pisser”, and we’d be observing “A Bit Of A Pisser Friday”. Shops would be closed and people would probably get more in the spirit of mourning.

“Hey, you’re nailed to a cross, but cheer up, they’ve decided to call it ‘Good Friday” for you!”
“Have they, how feckin’ spiffy…get me down you bastards!”

But, Good Friday really marks the first of the proper days of Easter and is the scene of the fateful day that kick-started celebrations and, more importantly for this post, the traditions of Friday food.

It works like this, on “Bit of a Pisser Friday” the mortal form of the Great Bunny was visited by some right gits who dragged from his warren, took him up to the top of a hill and then staked him to a cross. This was addressed before, here.

This part of the story is where the first of the traditional food items comes in: the hot cross bun.

Click on thumbnails to view full size imageThe hot cross bun is a sweet, spiced roll filled with currants and topped with a cross-shape, made from dough, icing or various other methods. The bun itself represents the hill that the bunny was forced to hop up carrying his load, the cross represents the structure his ears were nailed to, and the currants represent that he was quite scared.

In eating these symbolic buns we are freeing the bunny from his torment, removing his bondage, his solitude and the remnants of his fears. Hot Cross Buns can also be eaten with butter to represent the bunny’s sweetness, and the currants can sometimes be found to have been replaced by chocolate chips.

After the bunny was nailed to the cross, the builders, his friends and his followers waited with him; though admittedly the builders stayed because they were being paid by the hour and only had to hammer in two nails. After a while they all pretty much ran out of things to say - the bunny himself wasn’t really in to the spirit of talking about what everyone thought that hot little hare was going to wear to Spring Dance - and it was getting late, they’d all missed their dinners and it was getting close to supper anyway.

This is where the second vital feasting tradition takes place: fish and chips from the takeaway.

Click on thumbnails to view full size imageThe congragation on the hill decided to head back down to the local chippy, where the majority ordered fish and chips - a few moaned that fish didn’t really agree with them and they instead opted for the jumbo battered sausage or fried chicken. Up on the hill, a few solitary squirrels heard the bunny mutter “Fish and chips? Fish and chips? I’d bloody love some damn fish and chips tonight, you gits!”

When the squirrels would tell, after the bunny’s fate was decided, that his last request of a meal was a portion of fish and chips, it became a staple food of his following and pilgrimages would take place ever Bit of a Pisser Friday to buy a portion to consume on his behalf; sacrificing the food through themselves to his immortal spirit.

Now, it wasn’t until later years that the first pickled egg came about from later generations of Easter Bunnies, and has since been emulated by the race of man.

Click on thumbnails to view full size imagePickled Eggs were unique among Easter Bunnies, as they were always laid after Easter. The eggs after Easter were usually, having exhausted all the sweetness and joy in the true Easter Eggs, and they were all pretty shagged out to be fair to the little guys.

In order to unwind, several bunnies started to host post-Easter parties, where the bunnies that survived the Easter could get together to enjoy copious amounts of alcohol, play pool, sing at karaoke, eat coleslaw and engage in hunny-bunny relations if they felt up to it. The eggs over the following days would come about as if they’d been swimming in the alcohol the bunnies consumed, the end result was hard boiled eggs that tasted slightly vinegary - though in extreme cases of bunny lushes, sometimes a soft boiled egg would be cracked open to find a cognac yolk swimming in high proof Vodka.

Nowadays, humanised versions are created when someone just leaves hard boiled eggs in a jar vinegar for too long.

Cross-posted from The Ramblings of Guise Dugal at http://www.rogues.1me.net/blog

Mini Eggs are like the quail eggs of the candy egg world, small and flavoursome, but only as filling in vast quantities.

What most people don’t know is that the mini egg is actually a pre-maturely laid Easter Egg, one that has not had the necessary interpersonal interaction to make it full of sweet flavour. Mini Eggs tend to be laid by the very young and virginal Easter Bunnies, the shy or the seriously ugly bunny.

Because of the voracious breeding of Easter Bunnies, there are a lot of young bunnies born each year who do not make it all the way through the following few generations, but they are still capable of laying eggs - this is why mini eggs can be found in such great quantities.Due to the advent of proper protection for casual egg making in the bunny kingdom, some eggs may still get a hint of additional sweetness and taste through interaction, without actually fully developing, as such the range of eggs has steadily increased over the years.

For science, I shall raid the basket and sample from this range! (Though, not in vast quantities, this isn’t mad science!)

Cadbury Mini Eggs
(Available in Tube or Bag)
Click on thumbnail to see full size imageThese are the mini eggs that most people tend to think about. The shell pattern with pastel colours and brown spots is reminiscent of a quails egg and they are quite recognisable against imitation, from colour, texture and taste.Mini Eggs have a crisp sugar coating around a solid milk chocolate filling. This gives them a slight crunchy and then the melting creaminess within.

Taste: 4/5
Value: 4/5

Cadbury Creme Egg Minis

Click on thumbnail to see full size imageNo, I’m not talking about the decreasingly small stature of Creme Eggs in the US as compared to the UK version, but the actual real mini egg versions. At least, I thought I was, I can’t be sure!You see, I was very surprised when I opened the fairly small bag of eggs, I had expected individually wrapped tiny eggs, with just a tiny squirt - at most a squit of fondant inside. Instead I find five eggs, that are each about a third of the size of a Creme Egg. The shell bares the normal circles of a creme egg and features a smaller star and the Cadbury logo.

The fondant is quite a bit sharper than usual, and seems to be a think orange colour throughout.

Also available: Cadbury Caramel Mini Eggs. Yus.

Taste: 4.25/5
Value: 4/5

Terry’s Chocolate Orange Mini Eggs

Click on thumbnail to see full size imageTerry’s Chocolate Orange is usually considered a Christmas treat, but usually is not the same as always.The Chocolate Orange eggs are about twice or thrice the size of a Mini Egg, but smaller than a Creme Egg Mini. They are each individually wrapped with very shiny orange foil. The egg itself is a solid chocolate shell, with a textured pattern resembling the surface of an orange segment, with an inner layer of solid milk chocolate with orange flavouring.

The orange flavouring itself is not too strong, but still comparable with the full size chocolate oranges.

Taste: 4/5
Value: 3.5/5

Nestle Milky Bar Mini Eggs
(Available in Tube or Bag)

Click on thumbnail to see full size imageMilky Bar is a white chocolate bar, usually bought by parents for small children as it is much smaller than other chocolate bars and has a creamier taste. Most UK kids of my generation (which, I’m constantly reminded is actually old) grew up on Milky Bars and will always remember the Milky Bar Kid as the blond haired, bespectacled do-gooder who called out “The Milky Bars are on me!”.The Milky Bar eggs are directly comparable to Carburys Mini Eggs, the size of egg is about equal but the tube is a bit longer allowing to fit more inside. The shell is solid candy coating in plain white around a solid white chocolate inside. Truth be told, this actually detracted from the taste and texture of the egg, as Milky Bar is meant to be creamy and soft, so a candy coating got in the way. A better version would have simply been solid chocolate egg.

Taste: 3/5
Value: 3/5 (Bigger tube, but of bland candy)

Nestle Smarties Mini Eggs
(Available in Tube or Bag)

Click on thumbnail to see full size imageNot to be mistaken for the US Ce De Candy fruit-flavoured candy; Smarties in the UK are disc-like candy coated chocolate, more similar to M&Ms though of a larger design.Smaries eggs are another Mini Egg that is directly comparable to Cadburys, more so than the Milky Bar eggs, because these are coloured shells around milk chocolate. The taste is similar to the tast of normal Smarties, a crunch of sugar and milk chocolate, but the flaw is that nestle have never really made milky brown chocolate that tastes quite like one would hope. The chocolate isn’t plain or dark, it’s just rather bland and tastes too much of shell.

It’s still better than the Milky Bar Eggs though.

Taste: 3.25/5
Value: 3/5

Mars Mini Eggs

Click on thumbnail to see full size imageSo, I reviewed the full size Mars Egg the other day and decreed it to kick ass in a very big way, whatever could I expect from a mini Mars?Holy sweet Bunny on a Cross! The mini egg truly is a scaled down version of the Mars Egg, right down to having a fluffy nougat half and a caramel half. The shell is thick enough to be solid and chocolatey, and the indide fluffy and creamy. To take the LOLcat expression, “nums!”. You get over a dozen in a bag, all individually wrapped and even the wrapper and bag kicks ass in looking sophistimacated and smexy.

Taste: 4.5/5
Value: 4.5/5

Galaxy Mini Eggs

Click on thumbnail to see full size imageGalaxy is the true smexy of chocolate, it has a silky smooth texture and creamy taste. Galaxy chocolate, as I have shared to young Dio, is the closest you can get to a bar of chocolate having a very moist orgasm in your mouth, without actually slathering someone in chocolate and roleplaying as Wonka. It is just the glorious.Last year, not only did I have my first Galaxy Mini Egg, but I went so far as to post someone several packs so that they could enjoy the mouthfuck (Gasp, apologies for language). To say I was looking forward to their return is an understatement. Individually wrapped, solid, thick, creamy, silky Galaxy.

That’s it, nothing fancy, just bite size Galaxy in a wrapper. By the Cottonbum of the Great One, NUMS!

Taste: 4.75/5
Value: 4.5/5

Mars and Friends Mini Eggs

Click on thumbnail to see full size imageAre you ready? The Mars Corporation has decided it doesn’t just want to mouthfuck you but offer you a reach-around.Take the nums of a Mars mini, the mouthfuck of the Galaxy Mini and then add in the crisp honeycomb pieces of Maltesers Teasers (not proper maltesers!) and the soft tenderness of the Milky Way (similar to 3 Muskateers, apparently).

Ok, so really they’ve just taken their Celebration pack and made a few of them egg shaped, and to be honest the Teasers and Milky Way are let downs. The Maltesers are more crunchy than crispy, as the honey comb pieces are biscuity, and the Milky Way nougat is very sweet compared to the other eggs. But you do get the Mars and Galaxy together!

Taste: 4/5 (The two additionals bought the score down)
Value: 4.5/5 (If you want a range of tastes and textures, this is your bag)

Kinder Bites and Kinder Bueno Bites

Unfortunately, I can’t actually provide a review for these, as they were so exceptionally expensive, that I just couldn’t afford them. Despite being mostly aimed towards children, the price puts them on the luxury side of the market.

What I can tell you is that no toys come inside these eggs. The Kinder eggs are chocolate eggs with a smooth, nougat-like milk and hazelnut filling, where the Kinder Bueno eggs are similar but include a thin, wafer inner wall to seperate chocolate and nougat.

Cross-posted from The Ramblings of Guise Dugal at http://www.rogues.1me.net/blog

The Easter Bunny is well established as being a sweet, innocent character full of kindness and generosity. He’s primped and bowed, and on occassion dapper. He has a song in his heart and a good word to say, bringing light and joy to all those he meets. As well as chocolate, there are eggs that try to emulate that spirit in their contents.

Yes, just like the Easter Bunny there are eggs on the market that are sickeningly sweet. So, once more I delve in to the world of the Bunny in the name of SCIENCE!

Cadbury’s Creme Egg

The Creme Egg has been around for years, often advertised with some comedic front from Spitting Image’s “How Do You Eat Yours?” to Matt Lucas’s “I’ve Seen The Future…And It’s Egg Shaped”. Whereas the Creme Egg is only a seasonal item in the US, in the UK it’s available all the year round, though I’m not sure it has quite the same impact.

Click thumbnails to view full sizeThe Creme Egg has a thick outer chocolate shell with a familiar circles and centre star design. The shell is actually very thick, and takes some bite pressure to really get through. The contents are white and yellow sugary fondant. Highly sugary content.

I’ve mentioned previously about my love-hate relationship with Creme Egg, and it’s all down to that sugar content, I find the taste too sickly but at the same time I find it highly desirable. I’ll sit dreading the first bite of a Creme Egg, and then gnaw it down once I’ve started.

The most important thing about Creme Eggs are the many diffent ways people can eat them, from your generally munchers to slurpers.

I wish it didn’t look like I was giving both cunnilingus and fellatio to a confectionary when I was eating it out…um, eating it.

Taste: 3.5/5
Nausea: 3.5/5

Cadbury Dairy Milk with Caramel

I’m not overly fond of soft caramel, so trying the Dairy Milk with Caramel egg was a big task for me. I’m accustomed to the normal bar - which was better when it was just called Caramel in the canary yellow wrapper, not Dairy milk wih Caramel - so I just assumed that it would be the same, only egg-shaped.

Click thumbnails to view full sizeThe chocolate shell itself looked like the Creme Egg shell, and though it was the same size it actually seemed to have thinner walls. The caramel inside was very gooey and flowing, it also had a slight coffee-like taste to it which was probably only noticable because of the quantity of it. The egg was practically full to bursting.

The caramel was very sweet, and had a lasting flavour that required several drinks to get out. Then, the nausea hit. Ugh.

Taste: 2/5
Nausea: 5/5

Mars Egg

Thanks to Taybear and DJ D, I can say that the Mars bar is the equivalent of the US Milky Way bar, which is nothing like the UK Milky Way bar. In the past the only Mars Egg that was available for Easter was a large, hollow Easter egg packaged with fun or regular-sized Mars Bars, but now the Mars Egg marries the two together.

Click thumbnails to view full sizeThe Mars Egg is roughly the same size as the Creme Egg and features a swirly design on the outer wall. The chocolate shell isn’t that tough, but is roughly as thick as the Creme Egg too. The inside is split in to two halves, on one side of the shell you have caramel and on the other the typical fluffy chocolate nougat - which was more like mousse in consistency.

This was surprisingly scrummy, and I’m not usually a Mars bar fan.

Taste: 4/5
Nausea: 1.5/5

Galaxy Egg

Galaxy and Caramel, the chocolate I love with the filling I despise. In the past when I’ve had Galaxy Caramel bars, I’ve always been put off, Galaxy has a silky smooth, creamy texture where caramel is gooey and sugary. I fairly dreaded this egg, especially after the Dairy Milk with Caramel.

Click thumbnails to view full sizeThe Galaxy and Mars shells are as interchangable as the Creme Egg and Cadbury Caramel shells. The Galaxy egg is the same size, thickness and design as the Mars Egg.

The caramel inside was very different to that inside of the Cadbury egg though, this caramel had a very smooth chocolate taste throughout, and a slightly thicker consistency. It wasn’t as sickly sweet as the Cadbury caramel, though it still had a fairly long lingering taste.

Very surprisingly chocolately caramel!

Taste 4/5
Nausea: 2/5

Rolo Egg

Click thumbnails to view full sizeI should have expected when I opened the package of Rolo Egg to have to deal with the common Rolo problem; no matter how you buy Rolo’s you’ll always find that toffee has oozed out and sticks to everything. What I hadn’t quite expected was that in the Rolo packaging they actually give you two (2!) eggs and not just one.

The egg shell was a bumpy, patterned affair with the Nestle logo on one side, partially obscured by goo. The shell was fairly thin, at least comparable to the other filled eggs, and when biting on it the shell seemed to split apart on it’s own accord. The toffee filling only seemed to occupy half the eggs, though this may have been down to leakage.

The toffee was a welcome break from the caramel, as it was not as abundantly sweet. It did manage to hold my teeth together for a while though.

Taste: 3/5
Nausea: 1.5/5

Cross-posted from The Ramblings of Guise Dugal at http://www.rogues.1me.net/blog

There has always been a part of me that has been drawn to the ice cream from McDonalds, it’s milkiness and texture always reminded me of Mr Whippy ice creams but without the threat of losing half of it as it dripped from the wafer cone. I used to be fairly skeptical of the McFlurry range though, because it seemed to me like the dessert equivalent of the deep fried candy bar, you take two things that people love and mix them together and hope for the best. This was a ridiculous concern, seeing as when I had a Mr Whippy, I always ordered it as a 99 (ice cream cone with chocolate flake).

Over the years McDonalds has offered several different types of McFlurry, and around Easter time we frequently get a special one marketed - even though sometimes they remain all year. The most common special is the Cadbury’s Creme Egg McFlurry, though there have been years where they’ve used Cadbury’s Mini Eggs instead.

How Do You Eat Yours?Now, it came as a surprise to me that given the US is usually far ahead on McDonalds trends and the popularity of the Creme Egg has been growing, that they hadn’t caught on to what the UK had been doing for years. The notion is simple, take a Creme Egg, make it an ice cream.

Ok, it isn’t really that simple, because as everyone knows the McFlurry doesn’t chop up and break apart chocolate. If it is using chocolate fragments, it’s already been processed and broken down or they are using things to emulate the taste.

The Creme Egg McFlurry uses the latter approach, instead of breaking up a Creme Egg, fragments of thin chocolate (I’m not quite convinced Cadbury Dairy Milk) are dropped on top of Ice Cream, along with a squirt of soft sugary, caramel sauce - the same consistency you’d find in a Cadbury’s Caramel bar or egg. The white fondant is replaced with a very little amount of yellow-coloured fondant mixed in with the milky ice cream, supposedly - I couldn’t taste much difference.

Click thumbnails for full sizeIn some ways this emulation is a let down, especially as the pictures really look like a Creme Egg has been destroyed and dumped in your ice cream for your taste pleasure. However, as it is McDonalds you should never expect to get anything looking even remotely like the advertised product.

The fondant and caramel issue is hotly debated, primarily by me and the voices in my head, as to whether there is actually fondant at all or if I’m just hoping, and whether that was really tasty caramel or weird tasting fondant. I’m going to stick my neck out and say that the taste is prinipally Milky Ice Cream, Chocolate and Caramel.

This can actually serve to the homemaker in you though, because by just getting milky ice cream, caramel sauce and thin chocolate you can easily make your own in huge quantities, and if you want to add fondant then it’s a sticky, time-consuming but not too difficult job to make some. Just grab a blender and serve!

In fact, screw that. If you have a blender just bung in a whole creme egg and the ice cream, then whip that baby to goo!

Cross-posted from The Ramblings of Guise Dugal at http://www.rogues.1me.net/blog

After reviewing the films available between March and April 2008 at my local cinema, I decided to use the free tickets I won recently to go see the Jack Black comedy Be Kind Rewind. As is usual for me, I went in the off-time while schools and college were still in class, and unsurprisingly at 14:00 my brother and I were the only two people in the Screen 2 auditorium - though this is a tiny room anyway, usually used for the last viewings of movies.

Ticketmaster!

Overall, I enjoyed the movie, it had a good blend of feel good sentimentality and a blend of very natural humour. The actual timing of the movie, with it’s ‘homemade’ versions of films, ties in nicely with the ever growing YouTube productions, where you can often find peoples puppets or animation recreating scenes from movies. Because of this timing, in my view it actually helps the audience assosciate with the movie a little better and appreciate the humour of the situation.

The ’sweded’ movies, as they call them in the movies, are only slightly different from the likes of Bunny Re-enactments or the old French and Saunders skits, but because they are handled in a low budget and realisticly basic fashion, there is an element of accomplishment that is shared when viewing it.

One of the problems I had wit the movie was the jumping around of background stories that never really felt resolved or to have taken off of the ground. At times it felt that perhaps the studio couldn’t decide on the background story, so used multiple ones to move the tide along. The threat of the energy plant was used early on in the movie, but then ended up ignored once it had paid its very minimal gag part. The threat of the copyright legal notice was unresolved. The demolition order was left hanging. Any sort of romantic interest was hinted, but never followed through.

None of these are vital to making the movie any more or less enjoyable, but the resolution of something at the end of the movie could have made it a bit more satisfying. The Fats Waller movie being interspersed and then summed up was about the only resolution available, and then it seemed slightly disjointed from the rest of the movie.

I can definately agree with Dan on one of his recent entries regarding ambiguous endings and the seemingly prevalent trend to use this trope. I can understand that perhaps the makers of Be Kind Rewind already had their sentimental moment and didn’t want to spoil it with either a cliche of everything working out just fine or a more realistic ending where it actually doesn’t work out at all, but there was a need for at least one resolution to something.

As I commented to Dan:

I think the ambiguous ending worked well for Cloverfield because it’s really the only satisfying way to end the movie. If they’d blatantly shown either a safe escape happy ending or total tragedy, it would likely have had people complaining. The actual only part of Cloverfield that to me seemed out of place was the landing in Central Park and the sudden sneak entrance of the monster, I’d actually have preferred that to be missing. Just didn’t gel with me.

I don’t know if you’ve seen the original version of The Italian Job, but that has one of my favourite ambiguous endings ever, and it’s the most fitting way to end the movie.

The use of an ambiguous ending shouldn’t be just because you can’t think of a suitable one though, it’s got to be fitting to the story.

As for movie lengths, I half agree on this one as I think it’s more a case that as long as I’m satisfied with what I’ve seen, then the length is irrelevent. If the story flows well, isn’t too rushed, doesn’t have many plotholes and doesn’t leave me hanging then it can be around the hour mark. I’d prefer an hour and a half of entertainment, but I’d rather have an hour of good solid entertainment that a drawn out movie that could just have been a tv show.

In most regards the clips from the movies make good viewing on their own and the background stories themselves could each have made amusing stories, by taking the film apart you could have multiple films. The movie only really stands because it puts all the elements together and passes you from one point of caring about the story to the other. As far as characters, although I was amused by the cast, I only felt an emotional attachment to Mr Fletcher (Danny Glover) as the only character with much depth.

This may seem harsh, but I actually enjoyed the movie and found it highly amusing. I just felt it missed something in the delivery.

Cross-posted from The Ramblings of Guise Dugal at http://www.rogues.1me.net/blog

As if it weren’t bad enough that on any given day I likely commit at least 5 out of 7 of the original Deadly Sins - some multiple times a day. It seems now that should I implement most of my policies and plans, I’ll be breaking even more.

Thou shalt not commit a genetic experiment

The Roman Catholic church updated its list of mortal sins yesterday to include 21st century issues such as pollution and genetic experimentation.

The new list was announced after a week-long confession refresher course for priests. Traditionally, mortal sins are those which break the Ten Commandments and include murder and adultery.

According to the Catholic faith, they must be confessed to a priest and if not absolved or forgiven, will lead to a person’s soul being condemned to hell.

But now genetic experimentation, tampering with the order of nature, pollution, social injustice, causing poverty, excessive wealth and drug abuse have been added.

Bishop Gianfranco Girotti is in charge of the Apostolic Penitentiary, the Vatican department which runs the confession refresher course.

He said: ‘Today there are various new sins which concern the rights of the individual and society and above all these are in the field of bioethics.

‘Within this, there are several fundamental violations of nature taking place – experiments, genetic manipulation, which are very difficult to control.

‘Socially there is the field of drugs which weaken both intelligence and physically, leaving many youngsters outside the church circuit.

‘Then elsewhere socially, we have inequality of wealth with the poor getting poorer and the rich getting richer, this in turns feeds an ever growing social injustice,’ he added.

(Source: Metro, 09 March 2008)

If I arrange an invasion of a Calais superstore with armed guards, they won’t be able to carry anything out because plastic bags are bad for the environment, and they have to walk to and fro because of air pollution - looks like I’ll be bringing back blimps and sailing.

It’s even gotten to the point where a guy can’t even work on combining Scorpions and Squirrels in to a single entity without the Church breathing down your neck.

The thing about the original seven deadlies was that they were created by a 6th century Pope, Gregory the Great, who at least had memorable marketting on his side. Seven Deadly Sins has a much better ring than 14 Deadly Sins or 7 Deadly and 7 A Little Less Naughty Sins. Ok, so they are calling them Social Sins, but really, how many of us are actually actively committing these sins.

The sins themselves were much better in a simplified version: Pride, Envy, Gluttony, Lust, Anger, Greed, Sloth. Now, compare against: Bioethical violations (which they’ve so helpfully included birth control),  ‘Morally dubious’ experiments (including stem cell research), Drug abuse (and supply), Polluting the environment, Contributing to widening divide between rich and poor, Excessive wealth, Creating poverty.

Does ‘Morally Dubious’ experiments or Bioethical violations include using pesticide on plants or growing GM crops, I wonder. Is the next stage of marketting for organic fruit and veg going to be “Eat Organic…or Rot In Hell!”? Isn’t drug abuse a form of Gluttony too?

Dante gave each of the 7 deadlies a fitting punishment:

• Pride Broken on the wheel
• Envy Put in freezing water
• Gluttony Forced to eat rats, toads, and snakes
• Lust Smothered in fire and brimstone
• Anger Dismembered alive
• Greed Put in cauldrons of boiling oil
• SlothThrown in snake pits

So, how is the Horned One meant to punish these new sinners?

• Bioethical violations Spend existence inside a giant used condom
• ‘Morally dubious’ experiments Anal probes by a demon with a nervous twitch
• Drug abuse Marathon of Cheech and Chong
• Polluting the environment Litter picking along the shores of the River Styx
• Contributing to widening divide between rich and poor A weekend in Yorkshire
• Excessive wealth Having a golden rod slowly inserted 
• Creating poverty A marathon of Bob Geldof speeches

You want 7 Social Sins that modernise the original 7: Pissing or vomitting in someones doorway or garden because you got yourself wasted at a nightclub, Cold Calling for sales or market research, caravanning, using AOLspeak/Text message speak outside of a text message when you have no credit left, wearing fake burberry, acting gangsta, breeding irresponsibly.

Socially, there is a field of drugs which weaken both intelligence and physically, leaving many youngsters outside the church circuit, of course, some could argue that religious fundamentalists in the media who don’t do drugs can often exhibit similar intelligence and can often suffer from tremendous weight problems. Also, I’m not quite sure it’s drugs keeping kids out of church, maybe they just view it as out of touch? 

Then elsewhere socially, we have inequality of wealth with the poor getting poorer and the rich getting richer, this in turns feeds an ever growing social injustice, I’m pretty sure that if they sold off some of the artwork and buildings, lived a pious life, they could probably help this along a bit.

Here’s an idea for lowering poverty and not contributing to widening the rich-poor divide, allow family planning so that people can have the children they want and still knock boots in a healthy, loving manner.

From The Times (10 March 2008):

He said that two mortal sins which continued to preoccupy the Vatican were abortion, which offended “the dignity and rights of women”, and paedophilia, which had even infected the clergy itself and so had exposed the “human and institutional fragility of the Church”.

The mass media had “blown up” the issue “to discredit the Church”, but the Church itself was taking steps to deal with it.

Here’s an idea, deal with having your people not fucking children and being sexist bigots first and then dictate to us what else we’re doing wrong. Heck, I might actually respect you more if you took the stance “It isn’t lust if they haven’t graduated High School”.

 

Cross-posted from The Ramblings of Guise Dugal at http://www.rogues.1me.net/blog

Because the Easter Bunny is smart, it knows that children can help spread its continuing worship and so has evolved its egg-laying over the past several generations to thoroughly snare their attentions. Children like bright colours and chocolate, and this was the first of the attracting factor used by the early Easter Bunnies, but what children really like is Toys.

By the continuing evolution of the Easter Bunny species, several of the Bunnies took to laying eggs containing items ranging from minimal assembly toys to statuettes. So, in the name of SCIENCE, I have tested some of the toy-containing chocolate eggs from my basket!

The chosen eggs are:

Top, from left: Kinder Surprise; Simpsons; Spongebob; Hello Kitty
Bottom: Dora; Scooby Doo (Disqualified!)

Bon Bon Buddies ‘Eggie’ in Dora the Explorer design

This was an error on my part as the Eggie range were included amongst a whole range of ‘with toy’ eggs on a solitary shelf and I foolishly assumed that these too had toys inside.

However, I think that I therefore have a piece of qualitative data in that I was able to perfectly replicate the feelings a younger person might have on finding out they were just given a plain hollow egg.

As an adult, I’m peeved that I paid as much for this as for the other guaranteed toy eggs.

The egg itself tasted more towards the Plain/Dark Chocolate scale of Milk Chocolate, with a slightly bitter taste. It reminded me more of the cheaper supermarket own brands of milk chocolate.

The Dora Eggie included the “Count the hiding Easter Chicks” game, featuring bright yellow chicks on a dull background. Dora isn’t much of an explorer. Dora should have had the maze game.

click thumbnails for full sizeTaste: 3.5/5 (Actually, not that bad, but not what I’d call Milk Chocolate)
Value: 1/5 (the egg was hollow, not even two jelly beans. The “lump of coal” of the Easter Egg world)

Bip Candy Fun ‘Chocolate Egg’ in Spongebob Squarepants design

The egg was quite interesting as it was half milk chocolate and half white chocolate, and had a star pattern embossed in to it. The white chocolate took a while to get the usual creamy taste, and it was fairly short-lived. The milk chocolate was bland, lacking any hint of milkiness or bitterness, it only just had a taste of chocolate to it.

I did discover that the egg has been made to be exceptionally solid, as I tried to seperate the halves along the seam, the entire egg chose to explode rather than seperate. It has a good firing range for shrapnel. I can only imagine that the standard expected approach is to actually nibble away at the egg, thus increasing the chances of choking on the plastic, toy-holding egg inside.

I retrieved the plastic egg from inside, and I’m sure that fate actually tries to make you choke on these types of egg, like some form of confectionary Applied Darwinism. I have yet to come across a plastic egg that I haven’t had to use my canines to push open.

The figure inside, Hula Girl Spongebob, is extraordinarily low quality. Cheap yellow plastic, spindly pieces and a rather ratty paint job. I also got a sheet of the others that I could collect. I don’t think I’ll be bothering.

click thumbnails for full sizeTaste: 3/5 (Bland. Slightly sickly aftertaste)
Value: 2.5/5 (The toy isn’t going to win any awards, and I’m covered in chocolate shards)

Bip Candy Fun ‘Chocolate Egg’ in Hello Kitty design

Exactly the same egg as the Spongebob egg, but I broke it different which allowed me to get bigger chunks. Now, whether it is down to the bigger chucks or some fluke with the age of chocolate or storage, but the milk chocolate tasted much differently to the Spongebob chocolate. It was more along the lines of simple Cadbury or Nestle chocolate. It was a rather simple taste, but much better.

Once more, I had to bite the plastic egg to open it, but it was a pretty pink. The figure inside was most likely made of the same plastic as Spongebob, but it was actually really well made, the paint is applied tidily and it’s pretty damn solid. I also won out in that I think it’s the cutest looking one in the set.

click thumbnails for full sizeTaste: 3.5/5 (Not that bad)
Value: 3.5/5 (The toy was neat and the chocolate tasted better)

Zaini ‘Surprise’ in Simpsons design

This one had me scared from the beginning, it was the one that was either going to make or break me. I’d seen these eggs lurking in Tesco for years, slowly dwindling down in number, never seeming to be replaced. I could chart seasons based on the number and frequency bought. These eggs must have been on the shelf well over two years, and they had an end date of 2010. With two years anticipated shelf life ahead of it, what was the best you could hope for?

The egg wasn’t too bad, I expected white flecks or something to cover the surface. It tasted of the familiar continental Milk Chocolate, which is just a few steps away from plain/dark chocolate scale. It had a slightly bitter lingering taste, but not unpleasant.

The white plastic egg actually broke open with finger pressure, only to reveal a plastic bag inside that I had to tear with my teeth. The Marge figure is very much comparable to the Spongebob figure. Same spindly bits, same plastic used, same paint job. It also seems to be modelled off of Groenings early work, where Marge’s face is that of a frog. Her bulging eyes seem to look off in an odd direction and she has a leaning stance. Marge is freaking me out, to be honest.

click thumbnails for full sizeTaste: 3/5
Value: 2.5/5 (Buy the toy, scare your kids)

Kinder ‘Surprise’

The realm of the safe and secure for me. Kinder Surprise are a staple of growing up in the UK in the ’80s. Kids would collect the toys and even trade.

The chocolate egg is the same as always, milk chocolate outside with a layer of white chocolate inside, making the chocolates merge together in a very creamy, milky mix.

They’ve made vast improvements in the plastic egg technology at Kinder, featuring a hinge system and a thumb press area to enable it to open easily. The plastic bag inside the egg was easy to tear too.

Kinder Surprise was always a lottery of what you’d get, from building kits to statues. In some ways, I think I lucked out on getting perhaps the most fitting toy to end this post.

It’s soft, it’s fuzzy. Too bad it’s against the law in the USA.

click thumbnails for full sizeTaste: 4.5/5 (Just wish there was more!)
Value: 4.5/5 (High quality toy, investment in research and development and good chocolate.)

Cross-posted from The Ramblings of Guise Dugal at http://www.rogues.1me.net/blog

My brother and I moved in to this place in September 2007, on the tenth of this month it’ll be the six month anniversary. In some cases I’m still living out of the boxes I used to move stuff with. I still don’t have proper curtains in my room or bookcases to store things. However, I’m British and what we lack in resources we make up for in stiff-upper-lippedness and good old British know-how. My sanctum sanitorium has become an artistic representation of the bulldog breed. Tally ho!

As you can see, I’m still living out of boxes. I was getting tired of how many boxes I had, the room they took up and not being able to see the contents, so I tightly packed everything in to the boxes and constructed a makeshift series of bookcases. It isn’t foolproof mind you, as the books are so tightly packed that I can’t get any out, and even if I did the structural integrity would fail and cause a literary avalance the likes of which haven’t been seen since the R-rated All-Girl Fictional Character Slumber Party.

Also, I couldn’t quite fit all my books in, as evidenced by the boxes on the end.

Unfortunately, after moving I put my back out of action and so wasn’t able to put up proper curtain poles. However, because I needed some privacy I got some extendable shower curtain poles to hang old curtains from. The only thing stopping me from putting the new poles up is my reluctance to climb ladders.

The boxes you can see at the bottom of the picture are a testament to my procrastination. 12 boxes of about 250 comics each, of which I have been intending to sell about 75% for the last couple of years, however, I still need to catalogue what is in there!

The forementioned curtain poles and boxes. As well as one of the few new pieces of furniture I managed to buy, a wardrobe to stop me having to keep most clothes in a box.

Ooh, bed. Comfy bed. Spacious bed.

The chest of drawers is another new piece of furniture since moving in and already it’s cluttered with junk.

Ooh, bed. Comfy bed. Spacious bed.

By the tenth, I’m hoping that I’ll actually make some achievement. How surprising is it that I live like that?

Cross-posted from The Ramblings of Guise Dugal at http://www.rogues.1me.net/blog

As I’ve previously stated, I loved the Dreadnoks when I was younger, and still hold a soft spot for them to this day.

Though the cartoon version of the ‘noks portrayed them as brainless, incompetent goons who were more like childish bullies than a deadly gang, the comic portrayed them in a different light. All of the comic book ‘noks had individual personalities and roles that suited their nicknames and they were established as being a mostly roving gang with growing chapters in different cities. Though the comic ‘noks were still violent and mostly lowly educated (excepting the likes of Buzzer who was actually a professor), they were competent and indeed successful from time to time.

Obviously when it came time to play with my own ‘noks, they would always be based on the comic book version and not the cartoon, and quite often they were the key to Cobra’s constant victories.

But it wasn’t just the characters that had me enthralled in the comic book ‘noks, but also their vehicles. On the whole, the range of GI Joes vehicles were amazing, highly desirable and for the most part realisticly plausible and practical. The Dreadnoks had some of the greatest I had seen, and one that almost made me start to dislike the ‘noks for its level of suckitude.

Ferret ATV

In the cartoons the ‘noks were most frequently seen on the Ferret ATV, the dark blue four-wheelers, as this was pretty much one of the few vehicles that suited bikers in the toy range at the time. The Ferret actually suited the ‘noks fine in the cartoon, as they were mostly playing interference and just rallying around troops. The heavy vehicles still had the handling and speed to make them deadly bikers, though I’d imagine Buzzer’s chainsaw would have been a bit of a stretch to use effectively. As a toy, it was never really attached to the Dreadnoks, more an all party item, which was fine for me as I always wondered why Cobra would lend the freelance ‘noks their vital equipment.

Swamp Skier

Zartan, leader of the ‘noks, had his Chamelion Swamp Skier. This seemed so rarely to be used that I often wondered what the point of bothering to package him with it was. They may as well have used it as a partner or opponent to the Cobra Water Moccasin for all the use that it really saw. As a roving gang, Zartan was more often seen on a Ferret or motorbike, it was only when based in the Florida Everglades that it ever saw much use, and even then it was only a brief cameo. The Swamp Skier that we had eventually crumbled to little pieces, as the thing was too delicate for regular play - which I’m guessing is why Zartan used it sparingly.

Thunder Machine

To me, the Thunder Machine sums up what it is to be a Dreadnok. It’s an offensive, violent and unstable creation that tears up anything in it’s path or wake. The Thunder Machine is what happens when a crazed mechanic decides that you can never make a vehicle more liable to explode. Thraser, the driver and owner, had jet engines fitted to the back of his vehicle and chain guns to the front. It must definately have taken its inspiration from Mad Max or some dystopian Australian future.

I never owned a Thunder Machine, however I did own a second-hand, slightly beat-up Stinger Jeep which I used mostly as a Dreadnok vehicle. Granted, it didn’t have a chain gun or jets, but the passenger door was missing allowing Buzzer to lean out and Monkeywrench could drive while tossing out grenades.

I’m not alone in using the Stinger in such a way, as it appears Sears had an exclusive repaint of the Stinger just for the ‘noks as part of its Dreadnok Ground Assault set. The bike included in the set, I’ll get on to later.

Swampfire

I never really liked the Swampfire, it isn’t the object of my dislike though. I always thought that the Dreadnoks belonged on the ground or in the swamp and putting them in the air just didn’t seem fitting, especially in the cartoons where they were meant to be blithering idiots most of the time. I can understand to need for travelling across the Everglades, but I would have rather seen them use a boat, maybe retro-fitting an old Moccasin or captured Devilfish.

The Swampfire itself is likely modelled after a Gyro-Boat, which are small boats with a helicopter rotor above. They have a nice example at the local Helicopter Museum, and it’s shiny.

The airborne ‘nok idea wasn’t limited to the Swampfire though, as Sears had another set of repaints for the ‘noks in the form of the old single-seater F.A.N.G light helicopter and VTOL aircraft. If I accepted the Swampfire, I could understand the use of the F.A.N.G, and in fact it would make more sense to use the F.A.N.G as it could be considered a trashed Cobra vehicle that the ‘noks got running again. The VTOL just seemed slightly too out of place for the ‘noks, even with helicopter training. Had I been asked, and I wasn’t, I would have had this second Sears set be the Swamp Assault set and have the F.A.N.G repaint and small boat repaint.

Air Skiff

The Air Skiff was the much needed ‘nok swamp vehicle that the Swampfire should have been. It suffered slightly in that it’s use in the comic seemed to change whether it was a modified airboat that was just highly armed, or whether it was actually capable of limited flight. I still stick with the earlier boat concept.

Another problem was that at its release, Hasbro had started to go down the ‘brightly coloured paint and moulded to shape’ route for figures and vehicles, leaving it with highly threatening, under-detailed canary yellow weapons and a simplistic bodywork. If the skiff had come out a few years earlier, it could have been one of the best figure-supplied ‘nok vehicles going, but sadly the cheapening of the model crushed it in my mind.

The Dreadnok Cycle

The ‘noks had been around for years by the time they decided to give them their first full release bike; with Buzzer, Ripper and Torch coming in 1985 with the bike not being released until 1987 - a damn long time with toys.

With the previous releases of the Rapid Assault Motorbike (used in the Sears repaint) and the Silver Mirage motorbike (which I used as a Dreadnok bike), where both bikes focused on a simple design of motorcycle that wouldn’t be too out of place for a biker gang - though choppers or Harleys would have been more appropriate - it seemed to be obvious that the Dreadnoks bike would be a kick ass street bike that would roar down the streets allowing the mounted ‘nok to use their custom weapon to harass motorist, pedestrians and the authorities.

What we ended up with was the worst I could possible imagine, and the only Dreadnok item to never get anywhere near any of my wish lists. The Dreadnok cycle was a chopper-fronted trike with a raised seating area for a passenger. It was a gaudy colour combination that looked wrong even on the box art and it featured the most ridiculous purple ‘generic big gun’ they could shodely mold. What made me things suck even more was that in the advert, the colours actually looked reasonable!

Of course, in hindsight, I can compare this to the other vehicles of that production era and see that they were all this gaudy and undetailed, making a mockery of the forebearers, but back then my thoughts were more along the lines of how stupid it looked and it was the worst toy in the entire shop, if not the world.

Even with that hindsight, I wouldn’t buy this now, and I do want to rebuild my Dreadnok collection. I’d prefer to get a few Silver Mirages and take off the sidecar or see if I can get some cheap Taiwan generic bikes that would fit the figures. That’s all they needed to do, reuse most of the Silver Mirages mold and add transfer decals, and they could have done that from much earlier on. The Mirages were cheap to buy, and they could even have sold each ‘nok with a special one.

They never asked me, that was their problem. See, I knew…and knowing is half the battle.

Cross-posted from The Ramblings of Guise Dugal at http://www.rogues.1me.net/blog

Ahem, it was warm out today. In places it was hot.

Dear young lady in the black trousers, red jacket and red, midriff and crest of cleavage showing, laced-up front bodice,

Thank you so very much for existing and for your wonderful taste in clothes.

Regards,

The guy near the bank who was trying hard to look away.

Ye gods, yum.

I always loved the Dreadnoks, perhaps more than any other group in GI Joe. I loved their rebellious nature, their lack of restraint towards violence and their improvisation for weaponry and tactics. The Dreadnoks were fighters to the core and were a fearsome rag-tag bunch of bikers who could be depended on to raise havoc.

This post isn’t about Dreadnoks, but it is about an Australian biker gang. This post is about the Southern Cross Cruiser Club, who became a group that if I could corrupt and influence, I would trust to be my Dreadnoks.

Biker surprise for Sydney robbers

Two armed robbers who targeted a Sydney bar that was hosting a bikers’ meeting must have “failed robber school”, said the club’s chairman.

The men stormed the bar brandishing machetes and wearing balaclavas - unaware that 50 bikers were holding a meeting in an adjoining room.

Alerted to the robbery, some of the bikers chased the men as they fled.

One was caught after trying to escape through a back door. He was later treated in hospital for minor injuries.

The other man ran off but was arrested by police in a street nearby.

Southern Cross Cruiser Club chairman “Jester” told local media that the robbers had “picked the wrong night”.

The would-be bandits had entered the bar and ordered patrons to lie on the floor while they emptied the till.

But someone managed to run into an adjoining room where the bikers were holding their monthly meeting.

“We were out there minding our own business and then these guys came to the bar here in the pokey (slot machine) area,” Jester told the Sydney Morning Herald.

“One of the guys took off… straight through a glass window, he didn’t even bother pushing the button, he just ran straight through it.”

Jester said the police were delighted when they arrived on the scene.

“They were really impressed that we caught these guys, because normally they get here and it’s all over and done. But we caught the guys, still with their weapons, still in his balaclava and everything else.

“It’s a comedy of errors, I can’t believe these guys were stupid enough to come into a club with 50 bikers having a bike meeting - just crazy.”

(Source: BBC News, 28 February 2008)

On the note about the glass window, Ananova had this to say: One of the robbers charged through a locked glass door, leapt off a 16ft balcony and ran through a bowling green to escape. (Ananova, 28 February 2008)

BBC also currently hosts a video of the CCTV footage of the robbery and the actions of the Cruiser Club, here. It plays out in a way that is strikingly reminiscent of Han Solo and the Death Star’s Stormtroopers in A New Hope. One moment, a highly confident armed intruder is waving his weapon about and screaming, the next he is bolting like a bunny with a rocket up his arse.

The following sums it up nicely: “It was very hard to see the expression on their faces because of the balaclavas, but I imagine it was something along lines of ‘Oh s***, what have we done here?’ ,” [Biker club founder Noel ‘Bear’ Mannix] said. (Ananova, 28 February 2008)

Cross-posted from The Ramblings of Guise Dugal at http://www.rogues.1me.net/blog

A little slice of real life now, to make a change from my usual ramblings.

I like free stuff. I’m part of online market research panels for money, I collect loyalty points when I shop and I enter competitions like a mad man. Free stuff, to me, is the most awesome concept in the history of FOREVER. But, I don’t usually gain advantage from it, sure I’ve got £20 in three months from market research and I get money off shopping ever quarter, but I want to score big man. I want my Wonka Golden Ticket or something.

Well, it isn’t golden, but this morning Odeon cinema did send me through Blue Tickets. Every week I enter in the local papers competition for a free pair of cinema tickets, and now they are mine.

I can go see any one film with a guest before the end of April. There is some choice, so I’m not quite sure what I want to see. 

Cross-posted from The Ramblings of Guise Dugal at http://www.rogues.1me.net/blog

After my last entry complained of the Emil Effect of the replacement CRT monitor, and following a period of adjusting settings and layouts to accommodate the less defined screen, I had a pleasant surprise arrive this morning.

Although I had been told that my new monitor would be delivered in three weeks when I ordered it on Tuesday afternoon, it actually arrived today. Three weeks in three days, that’s good passage without needing a TARDIS.

The new monitor is pretty and the amount of definition that I can now see on images is staggering. For example, pencil lines in artwork to add shading look a lot better and have varying depth.

This is a good day for my PC enjoyment.

Cross-posted from The Ramblings of Guise Dugal at http://www.rogues.1me.net/blog

At the start of the week my wonderful little TFT monitor, which I’ve had for two years, started to have a few problems coming back to picture after a shutdown. This was getting frankly annoying as the only way to bring the monitor back to life was a hard reboot of the entire system.

I tried changing wires, video graphics card, display settings and loudly complaining. Nothing was working.

On Tuesday morning, the monitor went in to a permanent coma. The little light would blink but it received nothing from any computer or wire that we have. Rather than attempt to keep it on life support through the power supply, we flicked the switch and left it for dead.

New and BustedI knew I needed to order a new monitor and the one I’ve chosen will be here in three weeks. Three weeks without a monitor is a bit much, so around we went to the local Cash Generator (a pawn shop type place) and found the cheapest monitor they had.

The Old HotnessA 32-bit colour CRT monitor with full eye-burning glare effect. It takes a lot of getting used to, especially with having to look at a curve on a screen. I can’t really make out pictures that much and anything with a hint of shadow is now almost pitch black. I can, however, use my PC.

So, to my old TFT monitor, I’ll miss you. All the fun we saw together, the great times we shared. You showed me the beauty of places I’d never seen before and introduced me to new people, many of whom were fully dressed. You let me watch cartoons and videos without judging me, and you were always there if I wanted to play an online game. 

On the plus side, if I can gut it out, I have a great prop for background shots. 

Cross-posted from The Ramblings of Guise Dugal at http://www.rogues.1me.net/blog

Ah, it’s that time of the year again when the young and old get to display their unique, heartfelt feelings by purchasing mass-produced greetngs cards, seasonally advertised flowers, theme packaged chocolates and adorable teddy bears that will get placed in the back of a wardrobe by the end of March. Valentines Day, such a special day of the year.

This year feels fairly special, because after some minor conjoling I’ve actually decided to work towards publishing a book containing my Valentines poems and some handy-dandy dating advice for the determined secret admirer. When it will be finished, I’m not sure, but I’m hoping to have it produced in a first draft by late summer. As an indication, so far I’ve produced over 80 badly written stanzas spread across about 64 disturbing poems.

Enough about future pimping, you’ve probably come here to see this years poems. This could be because you are a regular reader/glutton for punishment, you’ve been victim to my pimping or you decided to do a search on “bad taste” “valentines card” funny.

This is the first year I’ve really dabbled with multi-stanza poems, this might be a problem if I didn’t already choose to make sure my poems were written badly.

Your soft, slender curves,
made me twitterpated and flitty.
I want to dress up in your skin,
and we’ll look, oh, so pretty!

 

—-

You ditched me at the first dance,
so, how the prom made me glum.
You said you wanted more in life,
than my dourness and fat bum.

 

So, now I try to get in you good books,
sent chocolates, teddies and gum.
I tried sending you romantic flowers,
didn’t you like the armoatic Titan Arum?

 

So from bushes, I watch at your windows,
Through white moonlight and rising sun.
I know our love makes you feel nervous,
But would you please put down the gun.

 

But now I’m left here deflated,
In the prison services crowded slum.
But at least I’ve found comfort,
Big Bubba’s my shower room chum.

 

—-

 

You wanted love to make you stagger,
for your heart and soul to sway.
Well, with our erotic asphyxiation,
precious, I can take your breath away.

 

—-

 

You said you were a fan of the cinema,
versed in drama, comedy and action.
We should watch a chick-flick together
tell me have you seen Fatal Attraction?

 

—-

“If you love something, let it go”,
those are the words of some great scholar.
But I’ve never been one to hedge my bets,
That’s why I attached that radio collar.

 

—-

 

The judge gave me the court order,
said “no closer” after your complaint.
To be sure, it wasn’t what I hoped for,
I’d always imagined you in restraint.

 

—–

 

You had them take me into secure hospital,
said it was for ‘obsessions’ of passion.
They put me in a straight-jacket for hours,
tough I’ve developed a taste for the fashion.

 

They did several tests with sharp needles,
as I laid caught up in tight-fit straps.
They said with the medication I’d forget you,
But I never could work child proof caps.

 

—–

 

Some dream of money and white wine,
as the ultimate of life’s simple pleasures.
Why so wrong if instead I dream of you,
Secured with tight straps of leather?

 

—-

 

I don’t know if I’d ever afford it,
new house, garden and picket fence.
But if you don’t press those charges,
then I can pick up some of the expense.

 

—–

 

Well congratulations you got it,
restraining order of 500 feet.
I know your just playing hard to get.
My new binoculors are pretty sweet.

 

——

 

I never thought you as that type,
The one who’d need to kiss and tell.
But you had to talk to that policeman,
Thanks a lot. SEE YOU IN HELL!

——

 

You once said we’d be friends forever,
That parting would make you feel sick.
Then I was needed like ‘a hole in the head’,
So enjoy the ice pick.

 

——

Your words cut deep and hurt me,
psycho, stalker and other slur.
But determined secret admirer,
Is the term that I much prefer.

 

——-

 

You play each weekend,
hide and seek with the niece.
I sit hidden in my own spot,
enjoying spiritual release.

 

I watched your sneakily cunning,
you could out think a fox.
I long to spring out before you,
your amorous Jack in a Box.

 

But the happy laughings a lie,
and you wear a mask of happy face.
When we played in the alley,
I just got an eyeful of mace!

 

But maybe that’s not your fault,
you just reacted out of shock.
Next time we’ll laugh together,
and you’ll get an eyeful of…me.
 
——

 

You were always the sweetest.
Lived close. We grew up together.
But you dated all the other boys,
And only liked me fair-weather.

 

You had me ‘vicar’ during “House”
and then when we played “Doctor”,
you’d send me to do house calls,
I wasn’t even allowed to proctor.

 

But now we’ll play games for me,
“Abattoir” and “Anaesthetic of Gin”.
I’m going to play with you, babydoll,
and, bitch, now I’m playing to win.

 

These next two are in part the fault of DistractoGirl for mentioning about hair care products whilst I was writing poems.

It was weird when you found me,
under your bed laid out bare.
If you hadn’t screamed I’d have told you,
I just liked smelling your hair.

—–
 
Sitting on the trundling bus,
We rode past stops without care,
You sitting infront of me,
Whilst I smelt your hair.

Oh, shampooed hair girl, you cutey,
You left and gave me looks so cold,
But I’ll enjoy your smell later,
right after I rip your scalp bald.

 

And a dedication to Waiterbetty (and therefore Matt C.), Dio, Kitty, Frakky, Kneg, Ben, Doho and, well, a long list. Oh, and Hssxxlllo Ussall.

Some people prefer the hunt,
and the thrill of the chase.
But personally, it’s all about,
getting to see your Serious Sex Face!

 

A common lament now follows:

Your panting would grow stronger,
as our writhing bodies conjoin.
I could make you whimper satisfyingly
if you’d stop with the knee to my groin

 

 

The following is a poem I call “Titan Arum” which I hope to use as my blurb:

A small educational book,
to make you feel a genius.
All about unrequited love stalks,
and a giant mishapen penis.

 

 

I love spam, sorry, loathe.

My emails to you started rejecting,
and the inbox filled with junk.
They suggested I could get you back,
If I had implants in my ‘trunk’.

But the spam wasn’t to know you,
and how you’d got the injunction.
I’m left with memories of you,
and cures for my erectile dysfunction.

 

Ah, the next is the fault of Dan H and the rather Essex-like girls who model for Hi-Vis.net

 

 

I passed by a pedestrian accident,
ambulance sirens making such a racket.
So now for safety and driver notice,
I’ve got a hi-visibility jacket.

 

For all the good that it does me,
even though it may save my life,
it makes me stand out as I follow.
Now simple routines lead to strife.

 

I’m too obvious in the bushes,
since I spent out all that cash.
But I stay naked under this coat,
you can’t really miss me as I flash.

 

So, I’m visible like a beacon.
I’m like a peacock’s tail-end.
A wardrobe of colours galore,
all to attract you, my peahen.

 

A lot of people follow the wedding vows of ’til death us do part’, but that’s really showing a lack of commitment. There is, of course, the option of zombification, necromancy and nec-romancing to consider.

 

As my childhood sweetheart,
I gave you small daisy chains.
But now since I’ve expired,
I’d much rather nibble on your braiiiiins

 

—-

 

For our valentines last year,
I cooked a recipe from Delia,
But your allergies kicked up,
And your body got wearier.

 

I’ve missed you these nights,
the long days just seem drearier.
So tell me my coffin love,
How do you feel about necrophilia?

 

——

I said I’d never leave you
and that I’d always be brave.
That with each of your breaths,
I’d remain your one true slave.

 

But should your lungs fail,
your touch I’d still crave.
I’d still long for your body
and then dry hump your grave.

 

Nothing but love, folks. See you in the bushes.

Cross-posted from The Ramblings of Guise Dugal at http://www.rogues.1me.net/blog

Designed to assist people like Mr Littlejohn (Fellow Blogger, Facebooker and X-E Advent-urer) the Tac-B-Boom has been designed by DugalCorp engineers as a miniature arsenal to be used in the battle for garden domination. Each Tac-B-Boom device is no bigger than a single Triple A battery.

And remember DugalCorps motto: We know what you like. We know what you want. We know where you live.

Cross-posted from The Ramblings of Guise Dugal at http://www.rogues.1me.net/blog

Well, I put it off but I'm going to do it. I'm going to talk about Cloverfield.

Now, it's very hard to talk about Cloverfield and not spoil it, I know this first hand as Americans were all talking about it while there was about a fortnight away from it appearing in the UK, so I'm going to put a courtesy cut in.

 

Cross-posted from The Ramblings of Guise Dugal at http://www.rogues.1me.net/blog

 

So, what did I do today?

Yeah!

Cross-posted from The Ramblings of Guise Dugal at http://www.rogues.1me.net/blog

The young female superheroine and Jenson Button/Arsenal ’squee’r, DistractoGirl from LiveJournal, and I were discussing how annoying it is to have to attend a service - for example, a wedding - when you haven’t been provided a dress code.

Now, the likelihood of me asking people to attend a wedding or a christening in the near (or even distant) future seems pretty slim zero, but there is one service that one should always prepare for.

This is how to do a funeral right.

Dress Code

 

At my funeral, I want:

• Females (<29) dressed as Twi'leks in School Uniforms
• Females (30-33) dressed in School Uniforms
• Males (<29) dressed as anime catboys
• Females (34-64) and Males (30-64) dressed in haiwaiian shirts.
• Anyone over 65 must come dressed as the Grim Reaper.

 

The Coffin

My coffin should be mostly persplex so that I can be seen, my costume to be determined later. It wont actually be me, but a fairly good mannequin as my body will be donated to medical science. The coffin should also be filled with helium, to make it easier on the pall bearers.

The Service

I want to be carried in to the tune of the Imperial March from Star Wars and when leaving the church I want the song to be The Calling’s “Wherever You Will Go”.

I want my eulogies to either be complete fabrications or performed as either badly done raps or in the form of interpretive dance.

The Burial

Before the burial, the helium should be released in to the enclosed area of the reception hall so that anyone who mourns at the graveside sound like Mickey Mouse. I should then have my head removed and placed in a jar to drop in to my grave. I want a trampoline to be placed at the bottom of my grave. The rest of the body should be cremated to save space for future generations of the dead.

New Tradition

At the end of the funeral, all the Grim Reapers will be invited to catch the funeral bouquet of purple lillies thrown over the shoulder by the priest to decide who is next.

It seems a shame to have to miss the funeral because of my being dead, and also it seems a shame to have to wait, as such if you wish to drop me a eulogy with you in costume, please send pictures or videos. Especially if you are a Twi’lek school girl.

Cross-posted from The Ramblings of Guise Dugal at http://www.rogues.1me.net/blog

Being born in 1981, I grew up in what I’d consider one of the Golden Ages for children’s toys. As a child there was always a new fad to get in to and a new idea just emerging to take over from that one. Regrettably, there were two things standing in my way from fully enjoying this golden age, the first is that if I had been born a few years earlier I wouldn’t have missed the first few years of toys, and secondly I wasn’t an American and so didn’t have the impact of all the cartoons and tie-ins for all the range.

Granted, there was a lot of choice in what to follow at the time and I bounced around happily in periods of collecting Star Wars, He-Man, Transformers, MASK and Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles, and following but never able to fully embrace Visionaries, Centurions, Galaxy Rangers and the like.

You see, saturation on the TV in the UK was never that grand, certain American shows would get played during the holidays or weekends and then never seen again (Transformers, Visionaries, Centurions), some would be rarely if ever shown (Galaxy Rangers), some would get re-shown (TMHT, He-Man) and some would almost never be shown (MASK). For the most part, we’d rely on VHS videos of two episodes or a story arc to see us through and stimulate us, with no chance to buy a whole set or season.

Comic books were fairly common, with the large format weekly comics for nearly every trend. In fact, it was probably the comics that influenced most children in how they thought characters were portrayed. The thing about UK comics is that they were huge, with lots of pages of comic strips and plenty of filler material, from character bios to maps to letter pages run by characters.

Toys were also hard to come by in most ranges, with most stores only carrying a few of the key ranges and not all that willing to hedge bets on what might prove popular. When something made it big, there would be a whole aisle dedicated to it, but the actual range of characters would always by limited. This was also compounded due to the locations and distribution of Toys R’ Us. As a child I grew up seeing these adverts for Geoffrey and this ‘magical place’ on TV, and we’d get catalogues through the door, but the stores were always far away for our family, and so we’d never go out to one or even really believe they’d exist except for when friends would go there. The thing was, Toys R Us had the huge ranges of toys, they had all the characters and they were considerably cheaper at the time, according to their adverts. While we were stuck with the few figures that we could afford in our home town, people willing to travel could get more.

This seems a long way, and a rather venting way, to get to the point: GI Joe happened.

Well, actually, Action Force happened.

It’s one of those deviations that we British deviants do, we already had a comic and toy line running from 1983 with an army of heroes (Action Force) up against a terrorist threat (Red Shadows). The original Action Force figures by Palitoy were stiff, barely posable characters that had a rough basis on realistic units (SAS, Nazi Stormtroopers) and the stories were very much told in the old fashioned war stories way.

When Hasbro started to really kick ass with their range in 1985, the two did a kind of merge. The new Hasbro articulated figures were put under the established Action Force name, and the comic saw the dissolution of Red Shadows and the start of Cobra. Things began to creep in to place.

Now, before this time there was much flapping about as to what was the big thing, with some staunchly holding on to Transformers and others looking in to all the other ranges. Action Force bought a new concept. The toys themselves were different and unique, more posable and with lots of different characters, and they were relatively cheap compared with other toys. As most of the range was the cheaper individual figures, there was more to collect in the less expensive price bracket than the larger toys, and for big presents there were vehicles with a larger price tag.

Comics wise, the old Battle Action Force comics disappeared and a new series of imported American stories started to appear in the comic that pretty much was the must-have, the Marvel UK publication of Transformers in 1987 and then get its own comic. To make things fit with what had been established, they took a few edits to the story, changing text and logos to say “Action Force” instead of “GI Joe” or to refer to British authorities or locations. The stories were otherwise the same, unlike the Transformers comic itself which frequently made-up new storylines to fill it’s bigger-than-the-US weekly comic.

The Action Force comics were out of sync slightly with the toyline, which got slightly confusing as we had no idea who the new blood was or why they were there. More importantly, sometimes we didn’t know how they would act when playing with or as them. The comics were great though, as they actually had a villain in Cobra Commander who, despite having a few strange plans, was a master tactician and devised a fully working covert military operation.

Eventually, they tied Action Force into the GI Joe global storyline. Well, they shoe-horned it rather uncomfortably in and then left it alone. Action Force became known as GI Joe and the world didn’t suddenly end.

Cartoon wise, to the best of my knowledge, we never got to see the cartoons on UK television and had to rely on videos. Part of this, I believe, was down to the rather obvious voice editing to remove any GI Joe reference and replace it with Action Force references (”Yo Joe” became “Full Force”). We managed to get quite a few story arcs from the Sunbow cartoons and the odd double/triple episode tape, though I never even saw a single tape for the DiC series.

UK Cartoon - Action Force

US Cartoon - GI Joe

(To me, the UK version sounds better as the lyrics seem to flow with the tune)

They even redubbed part of the movie, as well as cropping from the opening. A while back, I actually specifically went out to get a copy of the VHS of the UK version and the DVD of the US version of the movie. The differences are quite small, but some of the biggies are noticeable.

UK Intro - Action Force: The Movie

US Intro - GI Joe: The Movie

(To me, the UK version sounds better, has wider appeal and seems a better paced intro for a movie)

It wasn’t until I was about 7 or 8 years old that I really got in to Action Force/GI Joe, but when I did I got in to it hard, and so did a few of my classmates. It was perhaps the first time we fell that hard in to collecting outside of Garbage Pail Kids and was likely the reason so many got hooked on Turtles.

This wasn’t just collecting, this was war. The emergence of playground fanboys, green-eyed monsters and storymakers. This was the time of arguments about best characters. It was an age of showing off the new figure and getting to see reactions if it was a ‘rare’, by which I mean one that you had to travel more than a 15 minute bus ride to get (Sam S. had a Lifeline, which wasn’t sold locally for an extra four months) or a vehicle (Paul J. used to get vehicles instead of figures, he even had the Killer WHALE!!). I had two - TWO - mail-away Super Troopers, the kind with the file card you designed based on tick boxes on the application, and the seething at that level of cheating to tip the scales was phenomenal.

The toys had some disadvantages, for example, the figure of the Baroness. She was meant to be a beautiful seductress, and in the comic and cartoon this was rather feasible. In the toy range, instead of using a typical slender, alluring body like Lady Jaye they decided to make her look like a Council Estate mother who’d spent the Child Support for little Chardonnay on a bucket of chocolate covered chicken drumsticks with smudged National Health Service glasses. Later versions paint job made her look slightly more along the NerdSex route, but still I could only think of her seducing if she went undercover as a government ministers Personal Assistant, the magic of the comic was lost. Also, things got stupid with the toyline, starting with the garish Python Patrol toyline, and by the time the War on Drugs, War on Pollution and War on Aliens started, I’d realised that GI Joe had lost the plot and moved on to the much more realistic WWF and Turtles toylines.

I always loved the cartoon, though even as a child I wondered why Cobra Commander was so much weaker than in the comic. The cartoon was, of course, intended to show the bad guys as squabbling, incompetent or imbecilic characters who were doomed to fail, and their plans always involved huge levels of suspension of disbelief, which as a kid I was happy to do because I knew when I replayed the events with the toys I’d make the plan much better and more realistic.

Cobra would win.

And, finally we reach the point: I loved Cobra.

I still do in the current comic book reincarnation, actually. Cobra in the toys and comic always seemed the better organised and regimented army. While GI Joe were just a bunch of specialists, Cobra had divisions of troops with specialist knowledge who could perform multiple functions, they had clandestine operatives in communities and legitimate business fronts through Extensive Enterprises.

From the rank-and-file Vipers to the named characters, from biker Dreadnoks to professional mercenaries, from outsourced weapon specialists to ninjas, there was so much going for Cobra. The toy line offered the most potential, as it was one of the few where you actually wanted multiple of the same figure to build up the army - unfortunately, parents were for once on the ball and were trying to avoid buying duplicates in an effort to ‘get you what you wanted’ or ‘wanted to get you something you didn’t already have’. My dream of owning a garrison of Vipers was scuppered early on.

Now, there was another thing I had over some of the kids in my class, which proved to be a surprising advantage and later a tragic disadvantage, I had two older brothers and both of them for a time had an interest in Action Force/GI Joe as the last of the childhood years fluttered away. Because of my brothers, our family had up to triple the turnover of figures than most of the kids had, this wasn’t a huge margin but it was enough to keep me entertained with an army to play with when I was alone, and a considerable number of figures and small number of vehicles to show off to visitors. One of the crowning achievements happened, my collection - my own personal part of our triple strong army - finally got Serpentor and his Air Chariot.

Serpentor. Air Chariot.

The two coolest toys merged in to one product and bought for me from Martin McColls, next to Sainsburys, in Worle, outside of Weston super Mare on a Saturday afternoon. I got it home, it was assembled, and together Serpentor and I watched the video of “Arise Serpentor, Arise”. I guess it was sort of like sitting with your child watching the video of its birth, only without the uncomfortableness and general illness.

Then peace was shattered. Well, technically it melted. One of my brothers had gone to secondary school and learnt more about woodwork, metalwork and electronics, and somehow he’d convinced our parental units that really giving this teenager a soldering iron was a ‘quite good idea’. Now, with a soldering iron my brother could have really done some great things. He could have built many wonderful devices to help out around the home or learnt how to weld a bike together.

For reasons known only to himself, my brother decided to become an artist. An artist in the same way that Leatherface could be considered a Fashion Designer. See, what my loving brother did was apply his soldering iron to different parts of different figures and watch as they melted. After a while, it got to the point of treason and regicide as the Cobra emperor, my Serpentor, had the soldering iron applied to his chest.

Not since the great MASK figure exodus from t’ other brother, or the female parentals handing over to a young child of the Transformer toys, had so many figures been sacrificed in so short a time. The troops dwindled before this breach of the Geneva Convention was uncovered, and by then the older toylines were gone, even Serpentor was irreplaceable.

Despite my efforts of trying to cling on, GI Joe and Cobra had met an end in our house. By the end of the next school term, World Wrestling Federation toys and the entire schoolyard politics of that would take over and then Turtlemania would swoop in. But, I’ll always love Cobra, in the same way I’ll always love some of the Decepticons, they made me what I am today.

COBRA!
Cross-posted from The Ramblings of Guise Dugal at http://www.rogues.1me.net/blog

I’ve commented before on consumerism, young children, sexuality and parental/business stupidity (here and here for example). I’m not a prude, if kids want to be little Lolitas and…whatever the heck a lolita-boy would be…well, then fine. I like liberalisation and free choice, so that is really up to them to choose and, of course, for their parents to try to intervene in if the parent was to give a damn about what their spawn is up to.

But I never really thought it would come to the point where I read something about Woolworths and wanted to slam my head repeatedly in to my desk. I mean, really how could there have been no-one that picked up that there might just be something wrong in the naming of a product.

Woolworths withdraws ‘Lolita’ bed

Bedroom furniture for young girls with the brand name Lolita has been withdrawn by Woolworths following complaints from parents.

A parenting website said it was in “unbelievably bad taste” to give the bed the same name as a novel about a sexually precocious young girl.

Woolworths said the £395 Lolita Midsleeper Combi was withdrawn when the matter was brought to its attention.

Vladimir Nabokov’s 1955 novel became famous for its controversial subject.

The story of a stepfather’s sexual obsession with a 12-year-old girl has been adapted for film twice: first by Stanley Kubrick in 1962 and later in 1997 when Jeremy Irons played the lead part of Humbert Humbert.

Catherine Hanly, editor of parenting website raisingkids.co.uk, was among the parents to complain about the furniture advertised on the Woolworths website.

She said a Woolworths press officer had told her staff running the website “had no idea” of the word’s connotations.

“I expect a company like Woolworths to actually know what it means and the connotations and stuff,” she told BBC Radio Five Live Breakfast.

“It has become a name that is synonymous with sexual precocity and the fact that it is tied to a girl’s bed - it literally couldn’t be worse taste.”

A Woolworths spokeswoman said: “Now this has been brought to our attention, the product has been removed from sale with immediate effect.

She said the suppliers, who advertise the product on the Woolworths’ website, would be asked how the branding came about.

It is not the first time retailers have been criticised for using branding with sexual connotations on goods marketed for children.

In 2005, WH Smiths came under fire for selling youngsters stationery bearing the Playboy bunny - a symbol of the pornography empire.

Prior to that Bhs decided to withdraw its Little Miss Naughty range of padded bras and knickers for pre-teen girls.

Argos, however, defended its range of underwear for girls as young as nine including G-strings and padded bras as products in demand among children.

(Source: BBC News, 01 February 2008)

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that they’ve marketted something under a bad name that really gets to me. It’s that they we’re dumb enough to use a name like that without realising what it could possibly be interpretted as being connected to.

If they had marketted it as ‘the Lolita set for your blossoming little hussy’ and sold it alongside a range of bedwear that looked like lingerie and Pez dispensing ‘personal massagers’, while issuing a version for boys that featured an inflatable ‘imaginary girlfriend’ of their height, that would have been honest and just dandy. Woolworths just didn’t know what they were doing with the name.

The sad thing is that it was an accident. There was no irony or twist involved, they really were just stupid.

Cross-posted from The Ramblings of Guise Dugal at http://www.rogues.1me.net/blog

One of the great technologies that was slotted in to the background of Star Wars in the movies and Expanded Universe was the galaxy-wide communications system, the HoloNet. The HoloNet was a merging of internet communication and television, with the added function of being able to transfer holographic images. This is mainly seen for things like the Emperor talking to Vader in the later movies.

[ youtube=http://youtube.com/w/?v=_GkhurYI-zR0]

The HoloNet is not entirely out of grasp.

Prince Charles becomes first Royal Hologram

The Prince of Wales has made his first appearance as a hologram in a bid to reduce the royal carbon footprint, and silence critics who accuse him of failing to live by his green principles.

His Royal Highness, who once generated nearly 15 tonnes of carbon waste when he and his entourage took a private jet 7000 miles to New York and Philadelphia to accept an environmentalist award, chose to address the World Future Energy Summit in Abu Dhabi using the 3-D technology.

He is the first member of the Royal family to make a public address in virtual form. As a result, the Prince could be seen in two places at once this morning - addressing the challenges of climate change on stage in Abu Dhabi, while also visiting the site of a former colliery in Ayrshire.

The Prince was said to be reluctant to attend the energy summit in person because flights for him and his entourage would have generated nearly 20 tons of carbon waste. Instead, the larger-than-life projection left roughly the same amount as a light bulb.

However, royal flesh and blood was not entirely absent from the event. The Duke of York - dubbed “Air Miles Andy” because of his jet-set lifestyle - attended as a UK representative for trade.

Prince Charle’s six-minute address was recorded in the drawing room of Clarence House last November.

“He was very impressive and professional. It only took one take,” said Sean Reel, Commercial Director for Connecta Group, which produced the hologram.

“He was keen on using the hologram to show his commitment to reducing his own carbon footprint,” added Mr Reel.

“He is walking back and forth, and gesturing with his hands. It looks as though he is right there,” he said.

The prince was dressed in a dark suit, with a white flower worn in his lapel. Editors spliced in an image of a lectern.

The hologram was only slightly more expensive to produce than a traditional video link.

Former US Vice-President Al Gore used similar technology to appear as a hologram in Tokyo at the beginning of the Live Earth concerts earlier this year.

The idea to invite Prince Charles to appear by hologram came from organisers of the Abu Dhabi energy conference, attended by some of the Gulf’s most prominent industrial leaders, which is being billed as a “carbon-neutral” event.

It is the first major summit since the UN conference on climate change in Bali.

The prince was heavily critisised last year for flying to the US with an entourage of 20 staff to collect an award honoring him as an environmentalist from Harvard Medical School.

Last summer, he published details of his own carbon footprint and set targets to reduce the carbon emissions of the royal household in an effort to highlight environmental issues.

However, independent audits concluded the prince’s environmental practices were wanting.

Prince Charles’ pre-taped address was converted into a hologram image using a technique that dates back to music halls productions where “ghosts” would appear onstage.

A high-definition projector beams the video onto a holographic film set at a 45-degree angle, which reflects a 3D image of Prince Charles onstage.

The only complication arose over whether Royal protocol should apply to holographic image, with much debate over whether Prince Andrew, who is also attending the summit, should stand on the same stage as Prince Charles’s hologram.

“It’s a delicate area,” explained Mr Reel.

Energy Summit organisers say they hope the Prince’s holographic appearance will inspire others to cut their carbon emissions.

“We are looking into using the same technology for musicians so they can appear at multiple events at the same time,” said Mr Reel.

“Just think, Kylie could appear at five venues at once,” he said.

(Source: Times Online, 21 January 2008)

Ok, so he was beaten to the punch by Al Gore, but as far as dynastic use of holograms this is quite an achievement. How useful in the future depends on how quickly these productions can be made, whether there is a method of instantaneously producing the results or the cost of producing and transmitting data on such a scale.

It does come with the bonus that it can reduce travel and offer further options for entertainment. For example, a comedian could do a stand-up show with gigs in four places at once, or lectures by noted authorities could be carried out in multiple universities at once.

The company Dimensional Studios currently offers 3D holographic displays for events, with the Musion Eyeliner3D service, where they set up a specific set of equipment to project images on to, a 3D version of PowerPoint almost.

[ youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qf5esT95Glw]

It’s not as impressive as free-floating holograms, but even projections can be a nifty effect and a show of wealth and power.

Cross-posted from The Ramblings of Guise Dugal at http://www.rogues.1me.net/blog